Breaking The Cycle

Remember that the cycle of lacking self-discipline has five phases. In this section, we talk about exactly how to address each of the first four phases.

1. Unhelpful assumptions or made-up rules: "Life is short. I should enjoy it and not spend my precious time washing that dusty car! Car washes are something you pay for anyway!"

To clear up any unhelpful assumptions in regards to self-discipline, consider something of a favorite concept of mine: the 40% rule.

It says that when an individual's mind begins telling them that they are physically or emotionally maxed out, in reality they have only pushed themselves to 40% of their full capacity. In other words, they could endure 60% more if only they believed that they were capable of it. When you think you have reached your limits, you're not even close, and whether you can keep going or not depends on if you believe it. It's quite a belief to feel that you've reached your limits and say to yourself that you're only 40% done. It's an acceptance of pain, and that's a belief that is much more beneficial to your self-discipline.

What if you were to replace your unhelpful, disempowering assumptions with this one of strength and agency?

We are usually ready to give up around the time that we begin to feel pain or are barely pressing our boundaries. But that point is actually just the beginning of what we are all capable of, and the key to unlocking more potential is to push through the initial pain and the self-doubt that surfaces along with it. By maintaining a belief in yourself, you show yourself that you can do more, and that evidence builds your confidence and discipline.

You might, for example, begin struggling after doing 10 push-ups. You'd start hearing the voice in your head that says you feel too tired, too sore, or too weak to go on. But if you take a pause and gather yourself to do one more, you find that you've already disproven the voice saying that you can't. Then you pause and do another. And then another.

And then another. Suddenly you're at 20. You can take it slowly, but you've just doubled what you thought was possible.

Believing that you can do more will make it true. It enables you to go well beyond the limits that you've constructed for yourself in your own mind. And once you've felt the pain and the urge to give up at 10 push-ups only to push through it and do 20, you know that your mental strength helped you persevere. The next time you're challenged, you'll feel all the more capable and prepared to push past your supposed limits again. This embodies self-discipline in a nutshell - it's really a matter of how much pain you can stomach, and most of us will only bend and never break.

Our minds can be our best friends when we have a strong belief in our capabilities, but they can also be a poisonous enemy if we allow negativity to seize control. It's up to you to empower yourself using the 40% rule rather than throwing in the towel mentally at the first sign of resistance.

The reality is that most of us have no clue about our true physical and mental limitations. Quite often, the underlying causes of lapses in discipline are the beliefs we create in our minds that we can't do something. Expecting yourself to be capable, successful, and disciplined will make it all the more likely that you actually are.

2. Increasing discomfort: "I'd rather not wash the car. It's boring and uncomfortable. I know my spouse asked me to, but it can wait."

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Self-discipline is uncomfortable by nature. You would never willingly subject yourself to the struggle of being disciplined unless you had a strong purpose for doing so. The things we willingly do with enjoyment are called fun. We never hear about people needing discipline to eat ice cream or play video games.

There's no amount of knowledge, habit formation, thinking, or visualization that will make self-discipline comfortable. It's simply a fact that being disciplined is going to feel like a chore. You're going to hate it at times, even. The key quantity we need more of isn't necessarily always self-discipline itself - it's the amount of discomfort we can handle and tolerate.

This process seeks to turn a stabbing pain into a dull annoyance you can barely feel or a hunger pang that you actually crave because it means you are sticking to your diet. That's as good as it's going to get. Washing the dishes may not morph into something pleasurable, but at least it doesn't have to be an agonizing experience.

Being disciplined comes down to choosing temporary discomfort that helps you in the long-term. Discipline doesn't care if you are exhausted, irritated, or even dejected - that's when you need it the most.

Making a regular habit of embracing uncomfortable situations can have a positive impact on all aspects of your life. Just as lifting weights causes temporary discomfort that allows muscles to grow back stronger, choosing disciplined actions and decision-making also makes your "uncomfortable muscle" stronger.

You don't need to be uncomfortable in your daily life, but being familiar with the feeling sure helps you in the face of actual adversity. You can even create anxiety and uncertainty yourself - so that they are controlled and manageable - to show yourself that you are capable of handling it.

Jia Jiang gave a popular TED Talk about his personal journey outside of his comfort zone, in which he confronted his fear of rejection and the social anxiety that came with it. Jiang wanted to become more confident, so he set out to desensitize himself to rejection by seeking rejection out in some small and controlled way 100 days in a row. Some of Jiang's rejections included borrowing $100 from a stranger, requesting a "burger refill," and asking to play soccer in somebody's backyard. When the 100 days were up, Jiang was a new person with more confidence and a greater appreciation for how kind people are to one another.

Jiang's story of overcoming a fear of rejection is applicable to everybody. Your personal fears and discomforts are also your opportunities to challenge yourself. If you like to be in control, spend a day deferring to other people. If you're more comfortable being passive, spend a day asserting yourself and making more decisions. Whatever you are comfortable doing - do the opposite.

Injecting manageable discomfort and uncertainty into your life isn't difficult to do. You might order the dish on the restaurant menu that has ingredients you haven't heard of before. Or instead of taking a relaxing, hot shower, you could turn the water to cold and force yourself to stand in it until you gain control of your breath and calm your mind. Ask people for discounts that you don't think you'll get. Sit down in a restaurant and then leave after receiving the menu - that walk to the door will feel incredibly long.

Even just doing something spontaneous or out of character can get you out of your comfort zone enough to see that your uncomfortable zone isn't that bad.

As this practice builds your willpower, you can begin to change some of your less beneficial habits. When you feel pulled into a battle with your urges, you'll have the mental strength to resist that temptation and to instead ride the urges out like a wave. And if fear motivates you to avoid your urges altogether by distracting yourself from them, fear is sometimes an opportunity for positive change.