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Yes Or No?
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00:05:55.340 1. Will this course of action create a gap between my ideal self and my non-desired self?
00:10:28.110 2. Does this action truly represent my intentions?
00:15:04.649 3. Am I merely uncomfortable?
00:18:49.950 4. What would I do if I had no choice but to exercise self-discipline?
00:21:24.029 5. Is “I don’t want to” a good enough excuse to not do something?
00:25:43.800 6. Am I doing the right thing or the easy thing?
00:32:21.180 Here are two options
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• Yes or no? Just a simple answer, please, with no BS. This chapter is all about self-interrogation and digging into your excuses and rationalizations to avoid exercising self-discipline. What follows is typically self-awareness at how casually you view avoiding work. There are six questions to bring clarity. Most are indeed yes/no questions to force you to either admit a harsh truth or take action.
• Will this course of action create a gap between my ideal self and my non-desired self? Alternatively, does this action take me closer or farther from my goals?
• Does this action truly represent my intentions? If not, then what the heck am I doing?
• Am I merely uncomfortable? Am I letting mere discomfort keep me from my goals? Am I so mentally weak?
• What would I do if I had no choice but to exercise self-discipline? Certainly not the worst-case scenario.
• Is “I don’t want to” a good enough excuse to not do something? You may have the ability to use this excuse, but what about those who are never able to take a break and have to act every single time? It’s difficult to feel gratitude and lack self-discipline at the same time.
• Am I doing the right thing or the easy thing? There’s usually only one path to what you want, and it’s not typically an easy one.
• Is there a real obstacle to my goal that I can’t overcome? This focuses you on the fact that most of the time, the so-called obstacle is not the problem, but our attitude is. If we wanted to do it, no obstacle would stop us, and if we didn’t want to do it, we wouldn’t, even if there we zero obstacles.
• What is the outcome of this action if I continue along this path? Switch your focus away from instant gratification and see how a decision plays out over time, from ten minutes to ten years into the future. When you choose something, you are also choosing the consequences of that thing, even if those consequences don’t kick in for a while.
Transcript
Hello listeners, welcome to the Science of Self on March 8, 2024, where you improve your
Speaker:life from the inside out. Today's episode dives into the power of yes or no questions,
Speaker:inspired by Peter Hollins book, Super Brain. We all struggle with self-discipline, but
Speaker:what if the answer lies in a series of simple questions? Join us as we explore how saying
Speaker:yes or no to yourself can be the key to unlocking your full potential.
Speaker:To build self-discipline, one needs to self-monitor. At some point, you need to be able to know that
Speaker:what you're doing is wrong. This moment of realization will probably, after the fact,
Speaker:but you might even catch yourself in the middle of it from time to time.
Speaker:All the self-discipline in the world isn't useful if you don't know when you need to exercise it,
Speaker:either in the present moment or in the future. Unfortunately, most types of self-analysis are
Speaker:completely foreign to us. It runs counter to how we're wired because it involves stepping outside
Speaker:of our self-interested tendencies. Thus, it is not a skill we practice, and this leads us to
Speaker:often being unable to explain why we do what we do. We do, we react, and then the conscious
Speaker:thought comes after, if at all. Frankly, we walk around day to day with such a lack of
Speaker:self-awareness that we can barely recite the steps of our work commute. As bothersome and
Speaker:painful as self-analysis is, flat-out ignoring or not knowing yourself is not an acceptable
Speaker:alternative. You're not going to get far with willful ignorance or lack of perspective.
Speaker:You will have to be tough on yourself and ask yourself some hard questions. That's what this
Speaker:chapter is about. It contains questions you can ask yourself whenever you come to a stopping point
Speaker:or a fork in the road in your progress, especially if you sense you might give up and drift off into
Speaker:idleness, sloth, or undisciplined thinking. You can and should ask yourself these questions
Speaker:whenever you have time to do a mental check-in. There is, however, one very important facet
Speaker:about these questions. Your answers to most of them, no matter what the situation at the time
Speaker:you ask, must be either yes or no. No gray areas, no but, no, it depends, and no, I don't know,
Speaker:just yes or no, no explanation allowed, one word answers only.
Speaker:It may sound like I'm encouraging you to set up a false dichotomy, a situation where you're forced
Speaker:into choosing one of only two acceptable answers when in reality the situation may be much more
Speaker:complex. This might put you in a conundrum when you can't clearly answer yes or no, but you're
Speaker:right, that's exactly what I'm doing, and here's why. First, a drawn-out answer can get in the way
Speaker:of executing action or change. Giving a complex answer to any of these questions could lead you
Speaker:down a rabbit hole of overthinking, which will likely delay action on your part. This is otherwise
Speaker:known as analysis paralysis. This is also a slippery slope to creating excuses which we already know
Speaker:are no good. Second and more importantly, just answering yes or no to these questions, all of
Speaker:which I'm sure can be answered more deeply and thoroughly, forces you to state a harsh truth
Speaker:about yourself or know that you need to take action. When you have no option to equivocate,
Speaker:justify, or over-explain, you're forced to make a sharp, clear judgment on yourself.
Speaker:If you're over 50% at any point toward yes or no, that's your answer. Your justifications,
Speaker:defenses, or explanations about why you're doing or not doing it don't matter. Either you're doing
Speaker:something or you're not, and most of the time when you're forced to answer like this, you're not
Speaker:going to like what you find. This pushes you to act. Were you late to baseball practice? Well,
Speaker:there was so much traffic and you guys didn't start on time anyway. That might be true,
Speaker:but that's not the question that was asked. Instead, this answer provides no information
Speaker:and displays a similar amount of self-awareness. This person doesn't think they're the type
Speaker:to be late to baseball practice. Yes, now you've reached a harsh truth. You can either choose to
Speaker:accept that your actions define you, or you can exercise better discipline in the future
Speaker:to change this answer. This ends up being an important piece of the puzzle with the yes-no
Speaker:questions we use. The entire crux of self-discipline is that you're doing what you need to do despite
Speaker:wanting to give up and despite pain and discomfort. Thus, it's only appropriate that you stop the
Speaker:habit of justifications and equivocations and simply get things done, no matter how valid
Speaker:those excuses might be. That's why you bought this book after all. You can discuss all the
Speaker:me-getting factors, roadblocks, issues, or complications when you're in the post-mortem
Speaker:phase, when your projects are done and submitted. Do first and stop talking in circles. With that,
Speaker:let's dive in. When you feel you're at a crossroads or a stopping point in getting to where you
Speaker:want to be, the questions you need to ask are as follows. It might help to jot them on a note card
Speaker:somewhere or even carry them with you as a sort of self-discipline compass whenever needed.
Speaker:1. Will this course of action create a gap between my ideal self and my non-desired self?
Speaker:You want the answer here to be no, and you should do everything possible to not answer yes.
Speaker:Your ideal self is the one who possesses the self-discipline of a Shaolin monk on steroids.
Speaker:Let's say you're striving to be more productive at work. You fear that a lot of your colleagues
Speaker:have no idea why you're at work. You're nice enough, but they can't name one thing that you've done
Speaker:to make yourself indispensable. You become aware of this possibility and it frightens you. You start
Speaker:to see yourself that way. The thing is, you don't feel like yourself at work. You're riddled with
Speaker:anxiety and never really feel like the people know who you are. You don't have this issue
Speaker:in your social life. In fact, when explaining it to others, you give yourself an alter ego to
Speaker:show how you're almost a different person entirely when you're at the office. It's called rain.
Speaker:Rain is easily distracted. They spend a lot of time online at work, not always in work-related
Speaker:pursuits. They don't have a huge attention span at meetings. They do exactly the minimum required
Speaker:to not get fired. But given enough time, rain's lack of ambition and effort will make them redundant
Speaker:or expendable. But the person who you want to be is named somewhat audaciously steel. Steel is
Speaker:constantly assured. They never lack confidence. They know everything that goes on in their work.
Speaker:They don't have a lot of time for distraction. If there's a moment steel's not working,
Speaker:they're probably doing research on a future project or idea. They're optimistic and charming.
Speaker:They have a lot of answers, though they'll say, I don't have all the answers without sounding
Speaker:desperate. And of course, their work ethic is second to none, and they have the self-discipline
Speaker:of a Buddhist monk on a three-month silent retreat. Your conflict here is between the idea
Speaker:of your ideal self, steel, the kind of person who reflects your highest values, standards,
Speaker:and capabilities, and your undesired self, rain, the role you might indulge in sometimes,
Speaker:but strive to avoid as much as possible. Will your actions bring you closer to steel or rain?
Speaker:Will you move further away from your ideal, or will you go closer to achieving it? Again,
Speaker:this is a yes or no question. There may be a slight gap, but down the line it might be worth it,
Speaker:or, well, you see, this time is different because are not acceptable answers. Yes,
Speaker:the gap is bigger, or no, the gap is not bigger are your only choices.
Speaker:This question is important to ask because it raises the absolutely frightening possibility
Speaker:that you're not the type of person you want to be, and that your identity is at risk.
Speaker:It raises the possibility that you are lying to yourself. It creates a conflict between your words
Speaker:and your actions. It gives direct consequences to your actions by linking you to either steel
Speaker:or rain. Thus, you're pushed to protect yourself worth an image. The verbal realization of, yes,
Speaker:I'm not who I want to be, am supposed to be, or pride myself on being, just might shake you into
Speaker:action to do something about it. It should inspire you to make the first efforts to instill the
Speaker:discipline that will get you toward your ideal self. This question tends to feel a little confrontational,
Speaker:so here's an alternative phrasing. Does this course of action get me closer to my goal?
Speaker:Some people are simply more goal-oriented than identity-driven. It's easier for them to measure
Speaker:their progress by the attainment of milestones or targets rather than in terms of self-worth.
Speaker:In the end, this version of the yes-no question also links direct consequences to your actions.
Speaker:No matter which iteration of the question you ask yourself, it should make you consider cold
Speaker:reality. Are you truly acting in your own best interests and bringing yourself closer to your
Speaker:ideal? Or are you working against your belief? If you come to the conclusion that you're not
Speaker:serving your self-interest, then what exactly are you getting out of this deal? Will it be worth
Speaker:the sacrifice? At least gain self-awareness that you are making a trade-off.
Speaker:2. Does this action truly represent my intentions? Hopefully you answer yes,
Speaker:because self-discipline is reflected only when actions and intentions match. If not,
Speaker:what are your actions actually working toward? Let's say you have a goal of writing a novel.
Speaker:You think about it a lot. When you're working your day job, chipping away at another responsibility
Speaker:you need to look after, you're still imagining yourself as a published author or at least somebody
Speaker:who's written a complete book. You're planning characters and plot points in your head and seemingly
Speaker:dreaming about your work all the time. When you get free time after work or on the weekends,
Speaker:you're doing a lot to unwind, hitting the coffee shop, taking long walks, meeting friends for lunch,
Speaker:spending time online, hitting the bars at night, basic distractions. You might be talking about
Speaker:your book to friends, who at least appear to be interested. The one thing you're not doing though
Speaker:is actually working on the book. You're not committing anything to writing. You've got an
Speaker:empty file folder on your desktop, waiting to be filled with sketches, ideas, and text,
Speaker:but there's nothing in it. You're not doing anything wrong necessarily, but are your actions
Speaker:actually accomplishing what you want? Are you actively working toward finishing that novel
Speaker:and trying to get on the road to be a full-time writer? That's the next line of interrogation
Speaker:for you. Are your activities in alignment with your intentions? Is what you mentally desire
Speaker:being translated into action? Are you doing what you need to be doing, or are you merely
Speaker:paying at lip service? Even worse, has your attention drifted away from your best intentions,
Speaker:leading you to act without a goal at all? The easiest example of this would be sending work
Speaker:emails on your phone, but getting sidetracked by social media. You probably don't have any problem
Speaker:imagining or even meditating on your desires. You may have a very clear picture in your head as to
Speaker:what you want to be, but unless you're actually gearing your efforts toward fulfilling that goal,
Speaker:those thoughts and intentions don't mean a thing. You won't get credit, a claim, or congratulations
Speaker:for thinking a good game. You get them for doing something. You can have very articulated, very
Speaker:clear visions for what you want to be, but if what you're doing isn't directly contributing to those
Speaker:intentions, you're not getting anywhere. Intentions don't pay the bills. For instance,
Speaker:don't pat yourself on the back for thinking about bringing your significant other a present.
Speaker:This won't be very convincing to them. The answer to this question has ramifications
Speaker:outside the attainment of your goals. It also strikes to the heart of your character.
Speaker:Someone who talks a good game but can't match it with definitive actions could be considered
Speaker:undependable or untrustworthy. Your reputation hinges on what you're actually able to accomplish.
Speaker:Not being able to match your emotions with actual work is a sign of mental frailty,
Speaker:no matter how complete your idea might be in your head. Anyone can talk like a writer,
Speaker:and it might be good for a lively evening of interesting discussion,
Speaker:but that completely evaporates when the conversation's over if you don't actually work on the novel.
Speaker:Words and evocative speech ultimately don't mean anything. Action does.
Speaker:That's why this question is important, and like the first question, it might be more helpful if
Speaker:your answer is no, again, without any conditions, explanations, footnotes, or excuses. Just no.
Speaker:Hopefully the cold shock of that no will spur you to put your intentions into actions.
Speaker:This question could be asked about almost any aspect of your life.
Speaker:Am I being a responsible parent and keeping my behavior in line with what I tell my kids?
Speaker:Am I working hard enough to reach my goal of learning a new language?
Speaker:Am I really working hard enough at being the best pool player in the western hemisphere,
Speaker:or do I need to spend more time practicing my bank shots?
Speaker:Any kind of ambition or goal that you have in mind, no matter how personal or public,
Speaker:is easily addressed by asking yourself if your actions are meeting your intentions.
Speaker:Yes or no? That's almost always enough to get you moving in the right direction.
Speaker:If not, it'll be because of your intentions themselves, not how self-disciplined you are.
Speaker:3. Am I merely uncomfortable? Is your reason for not wanting to exercise self-discipline
Speaker:related only to mere discomfort and nothing actually harmful?
Speaker:You want to answer no here, otherwise you're admitting that you melt faster than an ice cube
Speaker:in summer. Consequently, you may realize how much you disempower yourself. Let's talk about
Speaker:going to the neighborhood gym. Almost anybody who is in decent physical shape,
Speaker:it stands for reason, has probably conquered most of their self-consciousness about working out in
Speaker:public and has no problem sweating it out in the presence of strangers. For those who aren't top
Speaker:physical specimens, the story can be quite different. Exercising can make them uncomfortable
Speaker:for a myriad of reasons. From the moment they get on a treadmill, they may feel like they're
Speaker:being watched and judged. If they try to do an arm curl, they may feel embarrassed or timid in
Speaker:the presence of someone who's obviously done thousands of them. If they're trying to work
Speaker:off the punch around their stomach, they may feel that other people are watching and appraising them
Speaker:harshly. This is, of course, ignoring the muscular fatigue and soreness they can follow.
Speaker:Thus, for someone who is debating going to the gym, is mere discomfort holding them back or
Speaker:is it the prospect of real harm? That's the crux of the third yes or no question.
Speaker:Do I not want to do this just because it makes me feel uncomfortable or is this actually having a
Speaker:negative harmful effect on me? I'm willing to bet that 99 times out of 100, the answer is yes,
Speaker:it's merely uncomfortable. You're being pushed out of your comfort zone. You will suffer a bit
Speaker:mentally. Your body will grow sweaty and fatigued. Your brain will be exercised to its full capacity.
Speaker:You may experience some negative emotions such as stress and anxiety. You will recover just
Speaker:fine without lasting repercussions. This is all discomfort. And then? And then nothing. So are
Speaker:you the type of person to pack it in just because you're uncomfortable? Feel free to slide down the
Speaker:slipperish slope of what kind of person that might make you. Your worst case scenarios and
Speaker:wild justifications are just providing a flimsy reason to avoid discomfort. In fact,
Speaker:they're nothing more than mental illusions. This question forces you to face the shame that
Speaker:you're easily stopped by discomfort. Discomfort has and never will be a legitimate reason to not
Speaker:exercise self discipline. And thus, this shame should propel you into action.
Speaker:This is a question where the yes-no dichotomy is particularly effective. Every single thing we
Speaker:do to better ourselves, to effect positive change in our lives, is going to involve some measure of
Speaker:inconvenience, discomfort, or fatigue, at least in the beginning. It might even involve minor pain,
Speaker:especially if you're working out for the first time. But are any of those consequences inherently
Speaker:harmful? No, they're not. There are a thousand cliches that reflect that truth, like no pain,
Speaker:no gain. Affecting real change in your life is going to involve a measure of discomfort. I can't
Speaker:think of any kind of emotional, physical, spiritual, or occupational change that doesn't entail some
Speaker:irritation, soreness, inconvenience, or bother. If they didn't, everybody would do it.
Speaker:Think about this question with everything you do that's causing you some measure of discomfort.
Speaker:You have the choice to be lazy and weak-spirited or get into action.
Speaker:4. What would I do if I had no choice but to exercise self-discipline?
Speaker:We'll break from the theme of the chapter here for a moment, as this isn't a yes-no question.
Speaker:Sorry, I couldn't resist. Still, keep the answer short and sweet and rooted in reality
Speaker:without rationalizations. If there was a gun pointed at your head, what would happen if you
Speaker:were forced to exercise self-discipline? You might be forced to admit that absolutely nothing bad
Speaker:would happen, and in fact, you'd be better positioned than before. Similar to the last question,
Speaker:you may experience discomfort, but you'd get through it and persevere.
Speaker:Let's go back to the gym. You've been working out for an hour. You just received a phone call
Speaker:that if your heartbeat drops below a certain rate, your entire family will die. So, you jump on the
Speaker:treadmill and try to hold on for dear life. Nothing feels comfortable at this point,
Speaker:as you have fatigue, self-consciousness, revulsion at your own body odor, sweat marks everywhere,
Speaker:the whole nine yards, your lungs are burning and your mouth is dry. Miraculously,
Speaker:this criminal is caught after an hour. Besides those discomforts, what awful consequences have
Speaker:come as a result of your being forced to work out? None. The point is to understand that the
Speaker:worst-case scenarios we dream up will never occur. The benefits of your efforts are going to be real,
Speaker:and the price you have to pay to get them in the end won't be much at all. You might not
Speaker:even remember the pain or discomfort later. If you do, you'll probably firmly believe it was
Speaker:worth all the pain to get where you wanted to go. When you force yourself into something,
Speaker:you have nothing to lose but everything to gain. When you try to summon up the will to exercise
Speaker:self-discipline, picture yourself as having no plan B whatsoever. Don't look for shortcuts,
Speaker:don't search for less taxing or exhausting schemes, and don't try to negotiate with yourself.
Speaker:Again, gun to your head, you'd sigh, groan a bit, and then set to your task without any other
Speaker:consequences. Imaginary Crisis Averted
Speaker:Hopefully, it will make you understand how your fleeting impulses of annoyance or minor
Speaker:discomfort can derail you from your plans and how they shouldn't. The satisfaction you receive
Speaker:from your positive consequences will be more than enough to strike those small peeves from your memory.
Speaker:5. Is I Don't Want To A Good Enough Excused To Not Do Something
Speaker:You already know the answer to this question. No. And hopefully, the way it's phrased makes
Speaker:you realize that I don't want to is a bit of an entitled and lazy thing to say. And you don't
Speaker:want to be entitled and lazy, do you? No matter how you dress it up or rationalize it, most of the
Speaker:time we just don't want to exercise discipline because we don't want to. We can play devil's
Speaker:advocate first to bring some context to this question. Why should you do something you really
Speaker:don't want to do? Life is a complicated enough affair as it is. Why weigh it down even more
Speaker:with something that you just don't want to experience or put effort towards things that
Speaker:make you miserable to any degree, even if they will result in positive consequences?
Speaker:What's the difference? Don't you have free will? What about living for carpe diem and truly
Speaker:living life because you're only young once? Those are all true, but now imagine people who
Speaker:do not have your range of options. Some people have to do things that nobody else wants to do
Speaker:to make ends meet. They work menial or strenuous jobs or work multiple jobs because they absolutely
Speaker:have to. Some of them have to take care of entire families, which might restrict them from things
Speaker:they really want to do. In fact, they may be so busy or preoccupied that they don't have time to
Speaker:even think about what they really want to do. They have no time for anything except working,
Speaker:eating, and sleeping. They indeed have the proverbial gun to their head from the previous question.
Speaker:And then they have to do that every day of the week. Some of them may be perfectly content with
Speaker:this. Maybe they find meaning in what they do and that's enough for them. That is respectable.
Speaker:You, however, by virtue of being able to hem and haul and procrastinate,
Speaker:are in a position of privilege to have the choices they don't.
Speaker:The chores and tasks you have to endure to get to the goal you want to reach
Speaker:are opportunities they do not have. They'd love to have the time to learn a foreign language,
Speaker:develop a knowledgeable appreciation for art, or spend time learning to communicate with their
Speaker:loved ones. They'd also love the choice to not do something they need to do. They just don't
Speaker:have the ability or time. You do. And not to be mean, but hey, let's be honest. If a long
Speaker:shoreman heard you complaining about the leg cramps you got while doing sit-ups,
Speaker:he might think you're being a little, well, ridiculous. He has no choice but to wake up
Speaker:at 5 a.m. each day and work until 8 p.m. How's that for a bit of perspective?
Speaker:Surely you can push a bit harder in the gym. Surely you can make the bed every morning.
Speaker:Surely that darned car can finally get washed. The answer to this question then is, hopefully,
Speaker:no, it's not a good excuse for anything. Everybody does something they don't want to do
Speaker:from time to time, but some people don't have the opportunity to do anything else.
Speaker:Turn that realization into a sense of gratitude that you can do it.
Speaker:That's not just the right way to be, either. It will give you a positive outlook,
Speaker:because it's impossible to feel gratitude and negativity at the same time.
Speaker:Spend some time thinking about people who have to do those arduous or dreadful jobs
Speaker:every day of their lives. Write them down in a list if you have to,
Speaker:then put yourself in proper perspective about the pesky discomforts or chores you have to do
Speaker:to get to your goal. Your being able to do those annoying things is actually a great freedom.
Speaker:These things you want to avoid are only drudgery if you choose to see them that way.
Speaker:Coming at a task from a mindset of gratitude versus dread will create vastly different outcomes.
Speaker:In the grand scheme of things, you're not asking all that much of yourself,
Speaker:and the end result will be far more worthy of your mental energy than what you spend
Speaker:to complain about them. 6. Am I doing the right thing or the easy thing?
Speaker:Sorry, another deviation from the theme of the chapter, yet it's still a helpful question to
Speaker:bring clarity to what you're trying to accomplish at the moment or in the future.
Speaker:Going to the gym would be the right thing, while the easy thing would be staying at home.
Speaker:The easy thing would also be researching healthy recipes online, or anything else you do to slightly
Speaker:ease your guilt. Unfortunately, doing the right thing usually means doing the hard thing.
Speaker:Actually, they're almost always the exact same thing. The average person doesn't typically
Speaker:choose things that are difficult when there is an alternative, which is why self-discipline is
Speaker:often the missing component for many people who don't fulfill their goals. People drift
Speaker:toward the path of least resistance, consciously or not. If you don't want that to be you,
Speaker:you'll need to be able to consciously answer whether you are doing that or doing what's right.
Speaker:When you can't confidently say that you're doing the right thing, you're not, and then you're forced
Speaker:to compare the difference between right and easy. If you're not doing what you should be,
Speaker:then anything else out of your mouth is an excuse, plain and simple. Instead of beating
Speaker:around the bush and soothing your ego, it would actually be better to start being honest and
Speaker:upfront with yourself about your behavior. Categorize your actions into right or easy.
Speaker:Running to lose weight, right thing. Skipping a workout, easy thing. Cutting workout short,
Speaker:easy thing. Instead of rationalizing skipping a run because it's too hot outside or it's too late,
Speaker:you'd just start saying, I'm not going to run today because I'm too soft and lazy to maintain
Speaker:discipline. In reality, why are you skipping the run? Because you're lazy. You know the
Speaker:right thing to do is run. Therefore, you're taking the easy way out. In effect, you become
Speaker:brutally honest and confrontational with yourself, which is sometimes the only way to get a message
Speaker:across. You should always want to answer that you're doing what's right, and that will frequently
Speaker:mean that you have to make a little extra effort. But when you do it consistently, that extra effort
Speaker:pays off. For example, you might have the opportunity to cheat while taking an exam.
Speaker:Knowing that they wouldn't be caught, the typical student probably takes that opportunity to cheat
Speaker:and runs with it. But then the final exam comes around, and now the test taking environment is
Speaker:much more closely monitored to the point that cheating would be risky or even impossible.
Speaker:The students who didn't cheat on previous exams and relied on their own studying will have actually
Speaker:learned the material throughout the semester and given themselves a good shot at success,
Speaker:while the students who cheated their way through the entire semester won't know anything on the
Speaker:final exam. Reaching your goals isn't all that different from succeeding on that final exam.
Speaker:Sure, you might find little successes from shortcuts, from rationalizations along the way,
Speaker:but eventually it catches up to you and you'll find you don't have what it takes.
Speaker:Doing the right thing may feel like the harder route in the moment,
Speaker:but when you do it consistently, it winds up being the most efficient route to accomplishing your goals.
Speaker:Is there a real obstacle to my goal that can't be overcome?
Speaker:Think of this question as an excuse buster. An excuse is something that appears on the surface
Speaker:to be quite rational, but in reality is nothing more than an attempt to wriggle out of something
Speaker:that is difficult or uncomfortable or even just something that takes you slightly out of your
Speaker:comfort zone. Look, obviously on occasion there really will be a good reason for you not to do
Speaker:your workout that day. Both of your arms have suddenly fallen off, but usually there's a
Speaker:workaround no matter what. Looks like it's leg day then. The truth is that most of the reasons
Speaker:we give ourselves for not doing something are bogus and deep down we know it. What is really
Speaker:the obstacle? Think about it, a person who truly doesn't want to do something won't do it. No matter
Speaker:how easy it is for them, they'll dream up any number of excuses to say why they can't. And a
Speaker:person who truly does want to do something cannot be dissuaded, i.e. no matter what obstacles emerge,
Speaker:they do what they want to do. What this means is that it's not even really about the obstacles
Speaker:at all, it's about our will, intention, and self-discipline. If you catch yourself telling
Speaker:yourself a nice little story about why you couldn't possibly do the thing you said you were going to do,
Speaker:stop. Take a close look at what's going on and ask, is there really an obstacle in the way here,
Speaker:or is my attitude the obstacle? Another way to look at it, there may be obstacles, sure,
Speaker:but then again there always are. There are so many obstacles in life, you may as well say there are
Speaker:none because to have something standing in your way is pretty much the norm. It'll always be something,
Speaker:the weather, money, other people being idiots, tiredness, work, you name it. If not one thing,
Speaker:then the other. But are those obstacles that cannot be overcome? Probably not. Either you can
Speaker:acknowledge that you're just making excuses and refuse to believe them, or B, you can take the
Speaker:obstacle at face value, but refuse to let it mean anything, i.e. sure it's going to be tricky,
Speaker:but so what? You'll just find another way. If we're honest, the answer to this question is almost
Speaker:always nope. What is the outcome of this action if I continue along this path? The easy, tempting,
Speaker:distracting thing is right here in front of you, promising instant gratification.
Speaker:Indulging conceals its true cost though, which only kicks in later down the line in the future.
Speaker:Is your present self engaging in behavior that's screwing over your future self? In other words,
Speaker:are you doing things that your future self will regret? The idea behind this question is to activate
Speaker:long term thinking and downplay our tendency to focus only on the immediate rewards of an action
Speaker:in the present. Here are two options. Option A, pleasure and ease. Option B, turning down pleasure
Speaker:and ease. The choice is an easy one, right? You go with A. Life is hard. Why not make the best of it?
Speaker:Take the afternoon off for no reason. Have a treat or do a sloppy job on a task to just get it done.
Speaker:But look at this set of options. Option A, pleasure and ease, followed by guilt and shame
Speaker:at 10 minutes, then regret at 10 days, a deep sense of disappointment in yourself 10 weeks,
Speaker:and then the feeling that your dreams have passed you by and it's too late to do anything now
Speaker:10 months or years. Option B, turning down pleasure and ease, followed by nothing in particular,
Speaker:10 minutes, but then a little pride at having strength to be self-disciplined 10 days, a
Speaker:stronger sense of focus 10 weeks, and the completion of your dream goal 10 months or years.
Speaker:Which seems like the better choice now. They are of course both the same options in each case,
Speaker:only the second pair truly accounts for consequences of your actions and takes a long term view.
Speaker:The trouble is that all the less beneficial actions seem to have rewards that play out instantly
Speaker:with a bill that comes later, whereas the better choices take time for their benefits to show.
Speaker:If we aren't patient, focused and diligent, we will always pick option A, but still pay for it
Speaker:later. The old adage, act in haste, repent at leisure, captures this idea somewhat.
Speaker:Actions mature. Sometimes results only fully appear long after their instigating action.
Speaker:By asking the above question though, you're correcting this bias for rewards in the present
Speaker:and doing a full accounting of what an action really costs you.
Speaker:Don't choose something, simply according to the benefits you perceive in the moment.
Speaker:When you choose something, you're also choosing the consequences of that thing.
Speaker:Even consequences that play out over decades, you're choosing what happens over the next minutes,
Speaker:days, years and months. Also, if you did this action, what other actions would it make easier
Speaker:and more probable in the future? And are those what you really want? In other words,
Speaker:the more choose, pleasure and ease, the easier it is to keep choosing it.
Speaker:The next time you're faced with something that threatens to derail your discipline to action,
Speaker:ask what indulging looks like down the line. Look at possible outcomes and consequences.
Speaker:Ask what happens in 10 minutes, 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 years. Hey, there's a chance that
Speaker:acting now has few if any consequences and it's best to seize the day and have a good time,
Speaker:but at least choose that option with open eyes.
Speaker:Takeaways
Speaker:Yes or no? Just a simple answer, please, with no BS. This chapter is all about self-interrogation
Speaker:and digging into your excuses and rationalizations to avoid exercising self-discipline.
Speaker:What follows is typically self-awareness at how casually you view avoiding work.
Speaker:There are six questions to bring clarity. Most are indeed yes or no questions to force you to
Speaker:either admit a harsh truth or take action. Will this course of action create a gap between my
Speaker:ideal self and my non-desired self? Alternatively, does this action take me closer or farther from
Speaker:my goals? Does this action truly represent my intentions? If not, then what the heck am I doing?
Speaker:Am I merely uncomfortable? Am I letting mere discomfort keep me from my goals?
Speaker:Am I so mentally weak? What would I do if I had no choice but to exercise self-discipline?
Speaker:Certainly not the worst case scenario. Is, I don't want to, a good enough excuse to not do
Speaker:something? You may have the ability to use this excuse, but what about those who are never able
Speaker:to take a break and have to act every single time? It's difficult to feel gratitude and
Speaker:lack self-discipline at the same time. Am I doing the right thing or the easy thing?
Speaker:There's usually only one path to what you want, and it's not typically an easy one.
Speaker:Is there a real obstacle to my goal that I can't overcome?
Speaker:This focuses you on the fact that most of the time, the so-called obstacle is not the problem,
Speaker:but our attitude is, if we wanted to do it, no obstacle would stop us, and if we didn't want
Speaker:to do it, we wouldn't, even if there were zero obstacles. What is the outcome of this action
Speaker:if I continue along this path? Switch your focus away from instant gratification and see how a
Speaker:decision plays out over time, from 10 minutes to 10 years into the future. When you choose something,
Speaker:you're also choosing the consequence of that thing, even if those consequences don't kick in for a while.
Speaker:Thanks for joining us on The Science of Self, where you improve your life from the inside out.
Speaker:Remember, the power to change lies within you. Visit Peter Holland's website at bit.ly
Speaker:slash peterhollands for more insights on maximizing your potential. We'll see you next Friday.
