What Do You Want To Do When You’re Tired?

What do you want to do when you’re tired?

Do you want to spend time with friends or lock yourself in a room?

Understanding your answer to this question is essential to becoming more self-aware.

We’ve talked about how introverts must seclude themselves for energy, and now we turn our attention to the extrovert who uses other people as energy sources.

What characterizes the extrovert?

The most extroverted among us are those who simply can’t get enough of being with and around other people.

When they are by themselves, extroverts may feel bored, restless, anxious, or tired as their energy levels deplete from the lack of social stimulation.

They are like flowers wilting without adequate sunlight and water.  It is a natural tendency for people to enjoy the things at which they are naturally skilled, so it may not surprise you to learn that extroverts are often the leaders of the pack when it comes to socializing.

It is not by accident that extroverts will often find themselves at the center of attention while at social gatherings—that is where they often feel most in their element, and they have had plenty of practice.

When you picture someone excelling in a social situation, you are picturing the stereotype of the extrovert.

This ranges from partygoers to salesmen who can talk to anyone and people who arrange parties on a weekly basis.

They are seen as the hub of socialization, and thus, people want to be around them as well.

This conceptualization is known as the extrovert ideal, where, at least in Western cultures, extroverts are seen to be preferred and more likable (Susan Cain).

It can certainly seem that way from first glance, as having someone around who likes being around is usually a good thing.

Being able to energetically perform and thrive in the spotlight certainly garners more attention than not.

One important caveat here is that, just like all introverts are not necessarily anxious or shy, though some are, all extroverts are not necessarily charming or likable.

Surely you can picture an acquaintance who enjoys being around people, but the feeling is not mutual.

They lack self-awareness and don’t realize people are trying to avoid rather than engage them.

Extroversion by itself isn’t a positive trait, despite what most media will tell you; it’s just a description of what people like to do in their most natural state, which so happens to create more interaction than other people.

It’s a trait that happens to demand attention and create presence.

After all, just because people love baseball doesn’t mean they excel at it.

Being an extrovert is not better than being an introvert, and vice versa.

Our society needs both types of people to function correctly.

While their communication skills are valued and envied, they are sometimes accompanied by another pitfall—distractibility.

This is especially so in the workplace.

There are elements of the inability to delay gratification and seeking dopamine-inducing interaction immediately.

The tendency of the extrovert to always focus on people can make them less efficient and productive.

They may know that there’s a big stack of papers waiting to be read on their desk, but the faint sounds of a lively conversation going on in the break room down the hall are just too tempting not to go investigate.

Moreover, they just might grow exhausted at the prospect of grinding through paperwork alone.

If productivity and the ability to get things done is a product of solitude and alone time, then you might say they’re at a disadvantage in many careers, feeling especially drained at the prospect of late nights with documents.

What might the ideal daily schedule look like for somebody who is highly extroverted?

At a minimum, they would likely prefer to enjoy each of their meals in the company of others.

Colleagues from work, friends, family, you name it—as long as they get to frequently spend time with other people, an extrovert will feel more energized throughout the day.

Even if they are totally swamped with work and only have 15 minutes to eat lunch, that time would be better spent eating in the crowded cafeteria than being confined in their office or cubicle.

It would be like a shot of espresso in itself.

Alone time can still be enjoyable to extroverts when they are being entertained, even if they aren’t reenergized by the solitude.

Entertainment is entertainment, after all.

But without entertainment, solitude is not generally desirable.

Extroverts think less about their inner feelings than introverts and are more focused on their environments, so any prolonged period spent alone with a lack of stimulation can quickly result in feelings of anxiousness or boredom.

When it’s time to blow off steam after a long week, extroverts will typically seek out a night full of social interaction—the more, the better.

I witnessed this firsthand when I went out one night with my highly extroverted friend Katie.

Within mere minutes of walking into a bar, she managed to integrate herself into a group of six complete strangers, making interesting small talk and garnering the group’s full attention.

Katie was more energetic than she’d been all week, and so we hopped from one bar to the next, meeting more and more people as the night wore on into the early hours of the morning.

She was like a vampire, gaining energy from the faltering introvert—me.

I can only wonder how long Katie could have kept her socializing up, as she was still going at full-steam when the last call sounded and the bars began to empty out.  Whether they are basking in the attention of their closest friends or just sitting in a café alone with people and commotion all around them, the important thing is that they are in the presence of other people, because that is what energizes them.

Sponge or vampire, you get the idea.

As you are learning more about the personality types, it is natural that you may begin categorizing your friends and family based on the experiences you’ve had with them.

When you do this, it’s important to understand that there are plenty of misconceptions about extroverts as well:

for instance, all extroverts are charming, likable, and have limitless friends.

Katie illustrates one of them quite well.

For all of the new people she interacted with that night, Katie didn’t get the contact information for a single one.

This was surprising to me as I was observing it, because in many instances she seemed to genuinely connect with the people she was meeting.

With each passing positive interaction, I began to realize that it was the social interaction itself that brought value to Katie, not the potential to make friends.

She moved between groups like a butterfly but seemed to stay only on shallow topics and cracking jokes.

When I thought about it, I rarely engaged her on anything deeper than how our days went and we rarely connected on personal topics.

You see, we often see extroverts interacting with a high volume of people and think or assume that they must, therefore, have a high volume of friends.

This isn’t necessarily true.

In fact, it has been scientifically proven through studies related to Dunbar’s number by Professor Robin Dunbar of Oxford University that the average number of close friends anyone can truly have hovers around five people.

(Dunbar’s number, by the way, is the proposal that humans can only really know and care about 150 people at a time.) What extroverts tend to have is a lot of acquaintances—people they know and interact with on occasion, or even on a consistent basis, but aren’t close friends with.

Social media further contributes to the misconception that extroverts have tons of friends, as the sheer volume of acquaintances will often correlate to more Instagram followers and Facebook friends—the modern measures of popularity in our digital, interconnected world.

This leads us to another misconception about extroverts, and it’s one that can be particularly harmful in your relationships with them.  Interacting with extroverts can easily leave you with the impression that they are always in a good mood and social.

It’s common for extroverts to have bubbly personalities, which can be interpreted as them always feeling happy and not falling victim to negative emotions to the same extent as less extroverted people.

Not only is this false, but it can cause you to subconsciously develop unreasonable expectations for the extroverts you interact with to always be energetic and positive.

Individuals with extroverted tendencies are subject to moods, blues, phases, and times of introspection as well, and you should be supportive of them in these times just as you would with your quieter and less socially active friends.

You may also believe that most extroverts prefer shallow small talk or are even incapable of the same levels of deep thought that a quiet and less social person may experience.

Extroverts can be deep thinkers too, and they can certainly be excellent conversational partners on intellectual subjects because of their innate ability to communicate well.

One aspect in particular that changes as you move across the social temperament spectrum is how individuals work through their problems.

Extroverts are fully capable of introspection and may handle some matters privately.

But remember, they are more accustomed to taking cues from the external world.

They may default to discussing their personal problems with a trusted friend or family member.

It’s not that they need the guidance; they just function better outside their own heads.

So the next time you’re stuck on the phone with your extroverted friend who just keeps going on and on about whatever is distressing them without stopping to hear your opinion, don’t take it as a slight.

You are providing a valuable service to your friend, as just having somebody to talk through their thoughts with can be extremely helpful for extroverts when they find themselves in a predicament.

Extroverts have dealt with these types of frustrating misconceptions for most of their lives, so they are sure to appreciate when you make the effort to understand them better before jumping to conclusions about their personalities and preferences. As you read onward through this book, these are the fundamental ideas about extroverts that you should keep in the back of your mind:

• Extroverts enjoy being around people because this is how they get energy.

This doesn’t always translate beyond mere chatter, activity, and motion.

• Extroverts are capable of everything an introvert is, just not all of it, all the time.

Being able to quickly identify where somebody lies on the extrovert and introvert spectrum can provide immense benefits if you understand how to use that information.

When you are interacting with extroverts, be mindful that they are feeding off of your energy, not trapped inside of their own thoughts.

They’re not trying to invade your space or pry into your life; they’re just enjoying being in your company.

Whether you enjoy listening and learning about others, or just need somebody to talk to about what’s going on in your life, an extroverted friend will likely enjoy the interaction with you.

Moreover, understanding where you lie on the spectrum and how that influences your personality and decision-making is the first step toward learning how to make the changes you want in your life.

If you are extroverted, chances are that sitting in a cubicle and keeping to yourself all day will make you miserable.

Pursue work and hobbies that provide you with plenty of opportunities for interaction throughout the day and keep you enjoying the present moment.

As for introverts, having more extroverted influences in your life may make for more enjoyable experiences when you socialize, and you may even learn a thing or two about effective ways to communicate and connect with other people.

You might also stop inviting people over to your home or at least set times for kicking people out.

We’ve given an overview of the two ends of the spectrum of personality, but to assume that everyone must fit into one of these definitions is a false dichotomy.

Indeed, you might feel that what you’ve read thus far is inaccurate or blurry.

It’s true that it doesn’t accurately reflect what most people in the world truly are.

The next section, however, does.