Upgrade Your Psychological Toolkit With Stoic Amor Fati Philosophy

Long before the first psychiatrists and psychologists began to make their models of human suffering, the ancient Stoics had a fully developed understanding of the human condition and a philosophy of living they believed to be the most balanced and rational. The fact that so many modern people still find solace and strength in these ancient principles is a testament to how useful they really are.

The Stoics were masters at “living in the present.” They saw clearly that the answer to negative thinking and especially anxiety and worry was to come back to the only place you actually have any control: the present. The past matters, but it should be studied and learned from—then forgotten. The future also matters, but we should not obsess uselessly over it; instead, we should use what we have right now to make plans to prepare for the worst and set in motion projects that will serve us best. Beyond that, the future, too, should be forgotten—after all, it will arrive in due course one way or another!

Beyond Radical Acceptance: Amor Fati

One way of rethinking your relationship to the past is to adopt the Stoic attitude of amor fati. This translates roughly to “love of one’s fate” and is a sentiment that is sadly not common in modern hearts and minds. With this attitude, one does not merely tolerate one’s fate but embraces it—loves it. Whatever happens in life—and that includes all the painful, confusing, and difficult parts—is welcomed and appreciated as something beautiful and, in its way, necessary.

In his book Enchiridion, Epictetus advises us, “Do not seek for things to happen the way you want them to; rather, wish that what happens happens the way it happens: then you will be happy.” In other words, learn to want what is, and you cease to fight against anything. He tells us in a later work The Art of Living, that “prudent people look beyond the incident itself and seek to form the habit of putting it to good use.”

In his famous work Meditations, much-loved Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius says, “Universe, whatever is consonant with you is consonant with me; if something is timely for you, it’s neither too early nor too late for me. Nature, everything is fruit to me that your seasons bring; everything comes from you, everything is contained in you, everything returns to you.” Can you feel the enormous sense of relief in that passage?

These philosophers suggest that we quietly bear our misfortunes and be strong, but they are taking it somewhat further—our misfortunes, with the attitude of amor fati, are in fact not things to bear and endure and tolerate, but things to embrace. If reality itself has seen fit to make certain things occur, who are you to argue? In fact, why should you do anything other than be glad that events have unfolded in the way they have?

This way of thinking takes some time to digest since it is so radically different from the typical sense of regret, dissatisfaction, and resistance most of us are taught to eliminate when it comes to our lives. Though the original principles came from Stoic philosophers like Seneca and Aurelius, it was also the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche who revived the theme in his book Ecce Homo, saying, “My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary—but love it.”

This is a profound paradigm shift. What do you think your life would be like if you genuinely wanted “nothing to be different” and embraced every event—past, present, and future—as something marvelous? This sentiment goes beyond accepting what is (and the Buddhist philosophers would certainly understand this point)—it is about being decidedly enamored with all the shapes and contours of one’s own life.

Nietzsche continues in his book The Gay Science,

“I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who makes things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly, I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: someday I wish to be only a Yes-sayer.”

Here, Nietzsche hints at the enormous potential that the amor fati attitude can bring about. If we not only accept but love what is our fate, we give ourselves the opportunity to find, create, or amplify any possible beauty, meaning, and power in those events. We can transfigure and transform them. We go from being reactive strugglers against reality, always saying “no” to those who have gratitude, curiosity, and positivity built into everything they do, so that there is nothing that they cannot say “yes” to.

If all of this sounds overly abstract, don’t worry. There are very simple ways to cultivate amor fati in your own life, right now.

Tip 1: Define the event as objectively as possible

Remember that a thing is only good or bad because of the perspective you’re taking on it. What is a tragedy for one is a blessing for another—and completely neutral for a third. Try to look at events without the veil of your own resistance, judgment, or opinion spread on top of it. To do this, write down an account of the event in the plainest, most neutral terms you can imagine, as if you were an uninvolved third party watching from afar. Do not put any interpretations, emotions, or opinions into the mix. When you read this back to yourself, you will see how much more manageable it is.

Tip 2: Have a mantra

Jocko Willink is an ex-Navy SEAL and an author, and his mantra for all difficult or unpleasant situations is simple: “Good.” He says,

“When things are going bad: Don’t get all bummed out, don’t get startled, don’t get frustrated. No. Just look at the issue and say: “Good.” Now, I don’t mean to say something trite; I’m not trying to sound like Mr. Smiley Positive Guy. That guy ignores the hard truth. That guy thinks a positive attitude will solve problems. It won’t. But neither will dwelling on the problem. No. Accept reality, but focus on the solution. Take that issue, take that setback, take that problem, and turn it into something good.”

Whatever mantra you choose, say it out loud to yourself when you catch yourself feeling decidedly not in love with your fate.

“Okay.”

“Thank you.”

“So it is.”

“Yes.”

“I welcome it.”

Tip 3: Focus on action, focus on solutions

It would be a big mistake to assume that loving one’s fate is the same as being a passive, defeated fatalist. In fact, the opposite is true; only when you fully and completely embrace what is can you properly engage with your full range of choice, agency, and power. We should love what is—but that doesn’t mean we forfeit our chance to have a say, take action, and attempt to influence that reality.

When we love a challenge, we transform it into an opportunity.

When we love our flaws and weaknesses, we start to see that they open doors to our evolution and growth.

When we love our enemies, we can begin to see them as teachers.

When we love our tragedies, accidents, and losses, they begin to feel to us like gifts.

Take a look at the problem you’ve described and ask about your scope to change it. Think of what you can do, break that task down into smaller chunks, and then commit to taking the very next step, right now if possible.

If we only ever resist adversity, say “no” to reality, and fight against it, all those potential gifts, opportunities, lessons, and insights are lost. When you really think about it, is it such a wonderful thing to always get what we think we want? Do we really want to live in a world where we are never challenged, never uncomfortable, never surprised or humbled?

Negative Visualization

The Stoics called this technique premeditatio malorum. Modern motivational speakers and self-help gurus warn against entertaining the worst possible outcomes or dwelling on negativity, but for the Stoics, this activity actually had some value.

The idea is that you occasionally spend a short amount of time imagining in detail the negative things that could happen in life. By doing so, you generate a renewed appreciation for all the things you do have. It’s like you recalibrate, remembering what’s important and putting your current concerns and worries into perspective as you find more gratitude for what is already working well for you. More than this, though, negative visualization is intended to put you back in control and take the sting out of worries and anxieties. When we insist on avoiding any negative premonitions at all, we don’t give ourselves the chance to plan and prepare for them, and in a way, we give them more power over us.

In his 45 BC text Tusculan Disputations, Cicero explains, “I am ready to borrow of the Cyrenaics those arms against the accidents and events of life by means of which, by long premeditation, they break the force of all approaching evils. And at the same time I think that those very evils themselves arise more from opinion than nature, for if they were real, no forecast could make them lighter.”

In his letters to Lucilius, Seneca echoes this sentiment by saying, “He robs present ills of their power who has perceived their coming beforehand.” Elsewhere, he writes,

“I will conduct you to peace of mind by another route: if you would put off all worry, assume that what you fear may happen will certainly happen. Whatever the evil may be, measure it in your own mind, and estimate the amount of your fear. You will soon understand that what you fear is either not great or not of long duration.”

But this technique is not just for use when times are tough, but when things are going well, too. In Epistles 18.6, he says,

“It is in times of security that the spirit should be preparing itself to deal with difficult times; while fortune is bestowing favors on it then is the time for it to be strengthened against her rebuffs. In the midst of peace, the soldier carries out maneuvers, throws up earthworks against a non-existent enemy and tires himself out with unnecessary toil in order to be equal to it when it is necessary. If you want a man to keep his head when the crisis comes, you must give him some training before it comes.

In other words, if we wish to be mentally tough and resilient, we need to train ourselves to endure possibly negative outcomes, just as an athlete trains themselves to be strong in the face of physical adversity. Granted, the Stoic mindset can seem a little alien at times, and their advice may sound strange to modern ears. Exactly how can you apply negative visualization in your own life—and how is it different from simply catastrophizing?

Think of the aim of the exercises as three-fold. When you practice negative visualization, you are:

Increasing gratitude for what you have right now.

Desensitizing yourself to adversity and increasing your tolerance and resilience to it.

Allowing yourself to prepare for negative outcomes.

To hit all three aspects, here’s an exercise to try.

1. Start by writing down one to three things that are very valuable to you, whether they’re material things like a house or a laptop, or something abstract like a relationship, good health, talents, or time. This can also work well if you pick something that is currently causing you trouble.

2. Once or twice a week, sit down somewhere quiet to meditate for five minutes on what your life would be like without these things. How would you feel? Explore the scenario in detail, pulling no punches.

3. Then, dig deep and imagine what mental, physical, and emotional resources you could draw on to deal with such a loss. In what ways might you be able to survive?

4. Finally, end the exercise by thinking of a few ways you could minimize the loss of such a thing, should it ever happen for real. After you contemplate loss in this way, is there something in your present behavior that needs to change? End your meditation session with a quiet moment, letting your fresh insights sink in and welcoming a sense of tranquility.

Let’s consider an example. Eve is having a difficult time with her job. It’s not the best fit for her and is causing a lot of day-to-day stress that frequently makes her consider quitting for something less intense. She begins to practice negative visualization twice a week, and one day, she picks “my job” as something to meditate on. She has been in the habit of thinking negatively about this job for months now, but for five minutes, she does the opposite and considers what would happen if she suddenly lost this job tomorrow.

She explores the feelings that come up. There’s relief, yes, but she also realizes that the sudden lack of salary would be terrifying, and that she’d have to hunt for a new job—also an awful prospect. She pictures herself walking around her flat with little to do during the day, and imagines how she’d have to tighten her belt with spending until she secured another position. She can also see, though, how she’d cope—she knows that with effort, persistence, and drawing on her various networks, she could find a new job, one way or another.

When she comes out of her meditation, she has a new, subtler perspective on the issue. Though the problems are all still there, she is able to actually be grateful for the job, warts and all, and sees that her position is not so bad as she thought it was. She decides to take action. She will quit her job, but she will do so strategically. She commits to getting her resume up to scratch and start looking for possible positions, all without leaving the comfort of her current job just yet. The next day, all the same work stresses and irritations are there, just as they were before, but Eve is less bothered by them, more assured about her own ability to manage any outcome, and actively shaping a future outcome she’d most prefer.

Stoicism and CBT Combined—the “What-If” Technique

A useful CBT technique is inspired loosely by the spirit of Stoic negative visualization and is an interesting approach to use in the face of negative thinking, anxieties, and worries. The process is simple but powerful:

Step 1: Write down a future event or potential outcome that is causing you some anxiety.

Step 2: Then ask yourself the following questions:

“What if this were actually true?”

“What is the worst that could happen . . . and is that really so bad?”

Write down the answers to this question—including any negative thoughts and worries that it inspires.

Step 3: In response to these new fears, ask the same questions again. Repeat the process on those answers, and so on. Keep going until you arrive at a core fear and realize that it would not in fact be the end of the world.

For example:

Step 1:

“I’m worried I’m never going to meet anyone.”

Step 2:

“What if this were actually true? What is the worst that could happen?” Answer: “If I never met anyone, I’d have to live the rest of my life alone without a partner. I’d never find anyone to love.”

Step 3:

“You’d never have anyone, you’d be alone, etc. What if all of this were actually true?” Answer: “I’d be devastated! It would mean that I was totally unloved. I’d miss out on a big part of life.”

Step 3 again:

“You’d be devastated, unloved, and missing out on a big part of life . . . so what if that were really true? Would it really be that bad?” Answer: “Well, it wouldn’t be the absolute worst thing that could ever happen. But it would be pretty bad. I’d have to go to events on my own, live alone in a house . . .”

“Living alone in a house . . . is that really that bad?” Answer: “Well, I guess it’s not the end of the world.”

Often, when we’re trying to make ourselves feel better, we may inadvertently run away from, deny, or avoid our fears instead of facing them head on so that we can see that they are not actually as serious as we’ve told ourselves they are. Take a look at the worst thing you can imagine—is it really that bad? Really? With this technique, we stop running and turn around to face our fear instead. What is the actual shape and size of this fear? Is it the end of the world even if it is as bad as you guessed?

Hidden in the core of many anxious beliefs is a deeper belief that “I can’t cope” or “I can’t bear it.” But this is usually not true. People can and do cope with all sorts of things! It’s not what you prefer, and it’s not what you want. But it’s doable. It can be managed. If you subtly change the way you think about it, it can even be reframed as something of value. Do this exercise and you’ll realize that “living all alone in a house” is actually a secret fantasy of many coupled people. They might do the very same exercise as you but begin with the terrible fear they can’t cope with: “I never get to be on my own or have my own space . . .”

When this technique is combined with amor fati and a little negative visualization, the “problem” can take on all sorts of interesting new dimensions. You start to open up to all the ways that you actually love living alone on your own terms and that, in its own way, never finding anyone to love is simply one more thing that gives color and flavor to your unique and beautiful life. Some of the world’s most fascinating, accomplished, and self-actualized people never partnered up. Not despite their lack of life partner, but in many cases, because of it.

Consider what would have happened if you instead refused to entertain any negative premonitions about this fear. If you instead said to yourself, “I refuse to be anxious about this; I will meet someone one day,” and spent your time on guided visualizations where you picture yourself meeting your soul mate. What then? Well, you might meet someone. But what if you don’t? Your “positive visualization” has then left you with enormous expectations and very few resources to deal with their disappointment. By not engaging it, the fear becomes bigger. Besides, the person with a fear of being alone who is temporarily in a relationship has not genuinely addressed that fear—just masked it. The moment they find themselves alone again, they will find the fear is still there, just as it always was.

So the question is, who has the most mastery over their fear—someone who quickly finds a way to run away from it, or someone who can look squarely at it and not be afraid anymore?