Understanding Your Needs

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welcome to the science of self I'm Russell  founder of Newton Media Group and today

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we're going to help you learn to improve  your life from the inside out stick around

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today is Thursday February 9th 2023.

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I don't know what your personal values are in  today's episode from Peter Holland's book The

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Art of strategic decision making Peter Hollins  takes us through a process to understand our

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personal needs and how those needs inform our  values our principles and our beliefs foreign

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If you’ve found yourself asking  the question “who am I?”,

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you might have also been asking  simultaneously, “What should I do?”

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Our lack of genuine identity can show itself in  an inability to make decisions, to choose a path,

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to set a goal, or to say what we want—in other  words, what we do is a reflection of who we are.

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If we have a problem with one, we  usually have a problem with the other.

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So, this is where we’ll begin.

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If you’re unsure of how to act, you’re also  probably a little unsure of who you are.

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Knowing how best to act is a question  of knowing what kind of person you are.

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If you are someone who prioritizes family  and social connection above anything else,

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for example, you don’t need to think too  hard about the dilemma of working late

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nights at the office versus spending  quality time with your young children.

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Your identity informs your choices.

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In fact, how we respond to  life’s dilemmas, choices,

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and difficulties says a lot about  the strength of our own values.

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We are as we do, and we do  according to what we value.

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Inner values and principles are like a personal

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manifesto that tells us how  to act in any situation.

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This is our own code of ethics  that we’ve devised for ourselves,

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and it acts like a guiding light even when—or  maybe particularly when—the path is unclear.

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How shall we define “values”?

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A value is a judgment that makes claims  about the priorities we hold in life.

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They are principles, rules, or beliefs  that give meaning to our lives.

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They are what stop life from feeling empty and  meaningless, because they are inherently about

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meaning—it’s whenever you say, “Thing A is  more important and valuable than thing B."

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In saying this, it follows that  the right thing to do is thing A.

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Values not only guide our  action when we’re unclear,

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they give us strength to carry on when the  path might be clear but the journey difficult.

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You might have a really difficult time  turning down those extra hours at work,

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but when you can tune into the deeper value  of being present in your children’s lives as

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they grow up, you are given strength to make  a decision that makes you unpopular at work.

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Granted, many of the values you might hold,  consciously or unconsciously, are secondhand.

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They come to us from our cultures,

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our parents, our religion, our political  environment, even our historical era.

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Some values might be held uncritically,

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i.e. you may have them simply out of habit,  and haven’t really examined them closely.

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Others might be personally chosen  after extensive deliberation.

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Values can change over time.

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We might rebel against the values of our group,  accept them completely, or negotiate a little,

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but we always have the option to be more  conscious and deliberate about our own values.

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If you were put on the spot right  now and asked what your values were,

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how quickly and easily do  you think you could answer?

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Do you think you could easily list five or  ten of the things you most value in life?

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Going even further, could you say confidently  that your life mostly aligns with these values?

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It’s one thing to know what’s right, but  there’s very little point in devising a

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complete book of rules that you  never really intend to follow.

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Though the self-help industry might sometimes  have you believe otherwise, your identity isn’t

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just something you go shopping for like you  do a pair of sneakers or a brand of shampoo.

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You cannot just pick and choose values—they need

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to be a genuine expression of  what you really do care about.

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This can seem a little like a catch-22  situation—you don’t have an identity so you need

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to find your values, but how do you know which  values you care about without having an identity?

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The process is not as difficult as it seems.

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Firstly, know that the process  isn’t done all at once—you are

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not going to uncover a complete  and fully-functioning self in

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an afternoon and start living your best  life once you wake up tomorrow morning.

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It’s a process, and insight  will come in fits and starts.

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In fact, a life well-loved might be  one in which you continually revisit

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the question of identity, with your  answers deepening on every attempt.

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We also need to remember that, in finding  values, we are the ultimate arbiters.

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We decide.

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So, you might need to take the time to tune out  every other voice so you can better hear your own.

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There is no wrong way to do it.

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There’s no right answer.

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There’s only what works for you.

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Having said that, people are motivated by a lot of

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different values, which it might help  to consider in finding out our own:

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Financial independence or wealth

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Being in nature

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Romantic love or connection with others

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Having freedom and independence

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Learning and knowledge

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Fun and adventure

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Good physical health and fitness

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Spiritual or religious pursuits

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Art and creativity

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Work accomplishments, leadership, business

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Security and survival

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Social cohesion and harmony in a group

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Peace, calm, and contentment; relaxation

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Honor, loyalty, and dependability

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... and so on.

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You might look at all of the above  and think that they’re all valuable.

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But the trick is in identifying your  priorities—those things that are best,

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that bring the most satisfaction and meaning.

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You may care about creative  expression and individuality,

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but your love of family stability  may trump that ten times over.

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You need to know how each of your needs and  preferences rank relative to each another.

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A good way to find out what matters  most is to ask what has seemingly

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bought you the most happiness  and sense of meaning in the past.

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If you look at all your high points in life,

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and they all involved adventure and freedom to  travel and explore, that tells you something.

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in thinking of your life’s most painful  memories, why did they hurt so much?

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Could it be that these events were moments when  your deepest values were disappointed or violated?

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Tally up the achievements you’re genuinely  proud of and see what they have in common.

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Or, look more closely at your worst  failures and blunders and ask why

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they stung particularly badly—were these  times where you acted against your values?

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Another trick is to look at the people you  admire or wish to be like (or even envy)—what

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values do they exemplify?

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If all your role models and heroes  are self-made entrepreneurs,

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is this telling you about the value  you place on financial independence?

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Maybe.

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Or maybe what appeals to you about them is that

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they’re unique and following their  own dreams, breaking the rules.

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Or maybe they are reflecting your yearning for a  life filled with more admiration and recognition.

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Since you are uncovering your values  rather than creating them from scratch,

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another general technique is to look at all  the decisions you are currently making—they

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may speak strongly to values you might  not yet be aware you actually have.

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Watch yourself closely for a few days or a week,

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and notice your decisions when  faced with a choice to make.

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Notice how you feel when you  choose one thing over another.

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It might be that you notice yourself often  choosing things that leave you feeling bad,

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and don’t really feel aligned with who you are.

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It may be that you notice key  decisions reflecting your values.

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Either way, we are already living by  values every moment of every day—it’s

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simply a question of becoming aware  of them and asking whether they’re

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the choices that best reflect the  values we hold—or want to hold.

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Look for patterns.

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See if you can find any strong feelings one way or  another—are there any non-negotiable sentiments?

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What are you absolutely  unwilling to do or give up?

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Why?

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What choices make you feel proud and  content, and which ones feel like a

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compromise, an obligation, or even  something you’re embarrassed about?

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Feeling right, however, is just one  aspect that helps determine your values.

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You also need to make informed decisions  about what you really believe in that rely

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on more than just your emotional  inclinations at any given time.

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Say you’re confused about whether you value

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your career or your connection  with friends and family more.

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You’ve found that abandoning your family  for work often leaves you feeling guilty,

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and so you think maybe you value  your family more than your career.

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The next step here is to try to  find out why you feel that way.

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There can be many factors external to yourself  that are influencing this feeling of guilt.

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Maybe you just have FOMO (fear of missing out),

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or your family has ingrained a value system in  you that says work should always come second.

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To get a clearer picture of what valuing  something really entails, it helps to read

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a little on the various reasons why one might  want to prioritize something over the other.

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We are rarely aware of all the reasons  one or the other might be a good idea.

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Just a few searches will yield  several reasons for either choice.

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When reading these, don’t just think  about which reasons sound more appealing,

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think about what feels right to you.

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These will often have a lot to do  with what your goals in life are.

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Are you really ready to sacrifice personal  success to have a stronger bond with your family?

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Or would you rather focus on your career

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while ensuring your family is  important, but not paramount?

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Thinking in this way will prevent you  from repeating the earlier cycle of

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simply having imbibed certain  values from your surroundings

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without really considering  what matters most to you.

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Values (and the identity that  comes with them) are not abstract.

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They are real, lived things,  out there in the world.

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They express themselves in actions and choices.

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True, they may not always be  expressed perfectly all the time.

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But the intention is to live by them.

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They are a yardstick by which to measure your  life, whether you achieve that standard or not.

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This is why it’s more effective to look at your  actual life in action when considering values,

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rather than just sitting down with a piece of

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paper and pulling nice-sounding  ideas out of your imagination.

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Remember, we are striving for the real  self, and not just another false self.

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Now that we’ve seen what value-discovery isn’t  (it’s not about goals, other people’s opinions,

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or switching out one false self for another  one), we can look more closely at what it is.

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Here’s a step-by-step guide to bring you closer.

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CLEAR YOUR MIND

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If we wish to fill ourselves  up with something new,

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we first need to pour out all the old  that’s already there, and start fresh.

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We need to let go of any bias,  expectations, or preconceived notions.

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Being fixed in our thinking, we can  imagine we already know the answer

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to everything—but this understandably  undermines the process of discovery.

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You really need to trust that there  is something for you to learn,

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something unknown out there that  you are willing to encounter openly.

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It’s difficult, but try to  drop (at least temporarily)

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any preconceived ideas about who you are.

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Your conscious mind may want to  jump in and tell you a narrative

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(“you’re an introvert, you’re a worrier,  you’re XYZ”), but set these aside and

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give some space for your unconscious mind to  come to the fore and see new possibilities.

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We have all been taught which  values are “better” than others—we

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need to forget this lesson if we want  to find our own values for ourselves!

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START A LIST

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Remember that values aren’t  chosen, they’re clarified.

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Trust that you already have them,  you just have to discover them.

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You don’t want to inadvertently write down

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a list of all the things that  other people expect you to be.

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Scan the list given earlier and see  if any of them spark your interest.

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If not quite, how could you tweak them so  they seem more valuable in your opinion?

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When compiling a list, start  broadly and don’t censor yourself.

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Add anything that strikes you as important.

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You might begin by writing “love,” but on  further reflection, tease that out a bit more.

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What kind of love, and why?

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You might decide that what you  really value is brotherly love,

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friendships, belonging to a community.

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You could then put “community” on the list  and see if that spurs any further values.

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As you go, draw on both your best and worst  life memories to guide you, as described above.

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The moments you felt most yourself—what  was happening, and what were you doing?

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The moments when you felt frustrated,  violated, disappointed, or uncomfortable—what

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was not happening, and what does this  tell you about the feelings you hold dear?

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You might recall the greatest day of your  life so far, the birth of your first child.

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In thinking about why this felt so amazing,  you jot a few more notes on your list.

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You realize that you felt a deep,

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deep sense of purpose knowing that  you now had someone to look after.

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You examine those feelings of  hope, of dedication, of amazement.

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You realize that being a parent satisfies  some of your core values—selfless love,

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belonging, trust, and hope for the future.

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Ask yourself questions to dig closer toward those  things in life that bring a sense of meaning.

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What makes a good day good?

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What makes you proud and grateful?

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What makes life worth living (i.e.  you’d be miserable without it)?

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Look not only at the standards you hold for  yourself, but those you hold for others.

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What is a deal breaker for  you in your relationships?

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What is your idea of a person not  living a meaningful and purposeful life?

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PULL IT ALL TOGETHER

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Eventually, you should have a  long list of things you value.

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Though all of these things are important,

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they can probably be distilled  down to a few main core values.

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Read over the notes you’ve made and  see if you can group them into chunks.

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For example, “community,” “friendship,” and  “compassion for others” have a lot in common,

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as do “independence,” “freedom to follow  my own path,” and “part-time employment.”

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Remember, you are not judging  anything you have on the list.

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If you genuinely identify  it as a value, put it down.

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If, on further reflection, you  really don’t care all that much

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about innovation or winning  awards, then leave them out.

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As you work (without attachment or judgment!),  you should start seeing some clarity emerge.

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As much as you can, try to connect  these ideas to real life—are

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these values you’ve actually  experienced before meaningful,

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or have you just been raised or  socialized to assume that you want them?

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Once you have some clusters of values,

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see if you can dig deep and identify  the main theme uniting them all.

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In our examples above, friendship, compassion,

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and community all have one thing in  common: the joy of shared human connection.

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Take your time with this—what is it, really,

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that makes all of the things on  your list so appealing to you?

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RANK YOUR VALUES

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Some people might find that, even after  clustering, they’re still left with a big list.

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But, life is filled with choices,  and since we are limited,

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we are often called on to choose between  two important and worthwhile things.

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This is why we need to clarify  further and prioritize our values.

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You now want to whittle down to those essential  values that you absolutely cannot live without.

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The most fundamental, most basic needs of yours,

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without which you’d be completely  lost, miserable, or pointless.

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Even if you can identify a few of  these, try to choose between five and

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ten values that you feel neatly capture the  dimensions of what’s most important to you.

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Then, rank them in order of importance.

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You might do this in ten minutes or find you  need a few days to really contemplate it deeply.

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Use your feelings as a guide, and remember not  to rush—you are setting aside everything you know

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about your false self so that you can meet the  acquaintance of your real self—that takes time!

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LET YOUR VALUES COME ALIVE

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If you write something like “physical  health and fitness” as a core value,

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it may seem a little abstract.

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Time to embed this sentiment out in  the real world and put it into context!

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You want to put these newly discovered core

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values into a shorthand form that will  inspire you every time you look at it,

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and remind you precisely of the best things  in life—according to your most authentic self.

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For the person valuing physical fitness, a  single beautiful image of a ballet dancer

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in a powerful leaping pose, mid-flight, might  capture the essence of what you value so much:

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pushing against the limits of human physicality

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to find beauty and expression in the  joy of having a living, moving body.

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Or, you might find that a certain phrase  or quote captures your core value better,

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a bit like a mission statement.

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Find a stimulus that triggers a strong emotional  reaction—it’s these emotions that point you in the

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right direction and speak more directly to your  inner self than any dry, abstract language could.

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TRY THEM ON FOR SIZE

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No, you’re not done quite yet!

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Value discovery is an ongoing process.

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Once you’ve identified and condensed your core  values, see how they fit out in real life.

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Leave the list for a while and come  back to it, seeing how it feels.

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Do you feel comfortable, in alignment,

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and clear ... or are some things  still not quite feeling like “you”?

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Look for the hidden voice of  your parents, your culture,

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etc., and ask whether they’ve been swaying  your list or the way you rank things.

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If your intuition pipes  up, listen to what it says.

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This may sometimes feel like vague,  flimsy work, but rest assured that

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you are exploring exciting new realms that many  people never give themselves permission to enter.

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And that’s that.

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Your core values distilled into  a concentrated essence that tells

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you a lot about who you are as a person, and  helps you answer a range of questions from,

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“What should I do?” to,  “What do I want right now?”

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thanks for listening to the science of self if  you like what you just heard we hope you'll pass

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on whatever platform you found this  episode this has been a Newton Media

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