The Mindset Of The Present

John is only sixteen years old, but he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders.

His parents, teachers, and guidance counselor are pushing him to plan one of the most important decisions of his life, his career, right now. He doesn’t know what job will make him happy. He doesn’t know how much money he needs to earn. He’s never even managed a budget! He spends hours ruminating and poring over advice columns and college websites, but nothing seems to help. He’s positive that he needs to go to college, but for what?

Should he take a risk on a more interesting but lower-paying career, or should he choose a path with better pay and more job security? Would he be happy if he chose the latter option? What if he chose the former option, and the lower pay left him desperate? What if a good school wouldn’t even accept him; would that mar his chances for life?

He’s worried—very worried—and not much is helping his anxiety. He spends so much time worrying about his future, trying to figure out the rest of his life, that he starts losing his grasp on what's happening around him. He’s stopped talking to most of his friends, and he rarely accepts invitations anymore. Instead, he spends his time reading and worrying, worrying and reading. Soon his anxiety would interfere with his sleep and distract him while studying, lowering his grades and genuinely limiting his chances of attaining his own best future.

Because John can’t stop fretting about the future, he's losing his friends, his sanity, and his future.

His mother, Julia, has the opposite problem. When she looks at her current life, she sees little of interest. Feeling empty, she retreats into her mind, relishing the hope and excitement of her high school days. Sure, the work was hard, but overcoming academic challenges was a fulfilling struggle that afforded her the opportunity to triumph. She still wishes she’d spent more time on her studies. Back then, her main priority was maintaining her friendships. She’d stay out late, gossiping and laughing for hours with her friends.

She can't remember the last time she went out with friends. It had to have been years ago. As a stay-at-home mom, her family has become the sum total of her life. Often, she thinks about how different her life could’ve been if she’d finished her college degree instead of dropping out to get married and become a mother. At the time, it had seemed like a good idea.

She was deeply in love and eager to have kids. Her husband and children still make her happy, but it isn’t enough. She wishes she hadn’t thrown away all those opportunities. She could have been self-reliant and respected. She could have made a real difference in the world. But now she’s a middle-aged parent with a decades’ wide gap in her resume. What could she do now?

Career-wise, she was finished. She’s made her choices; there’s nothing she can do. Julia is so preoccupied with her past decisions and the life she used to live that she hardly notices the joy abounding in her current life. Her nostalgia even prevents her from seeing the opportunities she currently has to improve herself and her life. Being stuck in the past is making her miserable in the present.

Both mother and son have great intentions; it’s good to plan our futures, and it’s equally good to reflect upon our past. That’s how we learn and choose what to do with ourselves. But both went wrong by being so focused on their thoughts that they lost track of the circumstances, responsibilities, and opportunities right in front of them. Focusing on that would let them make the most of their lives.

Author Eckhart Tolle has great insight into the problem of fixating on the past or future; he once said, “All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry—all forms of fear—are caused by too much future and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”

Tolle claims that focusing on the future causes fear that manifests as unease, anxiety, tension, stress, and worry. In other words, fears about what could happen stress us out. Thinking about the future to solve problems turns bad when fear becomes stronger than hope. Fear becomes a problem when, for whatever reason, we can’t easily find a satisfying conclusion.

In an ideal world, we would admit that we can’t predict or control things and wait to see what happens. But instead, we worry. And worrying produces stress, which releases cortisone and adrenaline into our bodies, leading to higher levels of baseline anxiety and the tight, stiff muscles that come with it. The real pickle is that when we feel bad mentally and physically, like we do when we're stressed, it becomes even harder to solve our problems. This amplifies our stress and our worries, leading to a vicious, self-destructive cycle that keeps us firmly fixated on the future and the horrible outcomes we fear.

Conversely, when we fixate on our failures, whether it’s insulting a kid in second grade, failing our driver’s test, or a real mistake, like committing a felony, we are failing to forgive ourselves. We are focusing on what we did in the past, on the people we used to be, rather than on who and what we are now. People learn from their mistakes. Improving over time is a good thing, and we can’t do that unless we mess up first. But too often, we identify with our guilt and shame; we think our worst decisions define our character.

The past, along with everything we’ve done, is gone. It can’t be changed; it can only be accepted. We cannot allow it to linger, dominating our lives and moods with negativity.

Forgiving ourselves, others, and the world is essential, but Tolle mentions another ingredient for avoiding the negative emotions that erupt when we’re immersed in the wrong time: presence. Forgiveness allows us to focus on the present more easily, but what other steps can we take to be more present?

Moving Beyond the Past

Contemplating our mishaps has a certain allure. Unlike present actions, the outcomes of which we can’t yet know, the past is resolved. We know the outcome of each action; we’ve lived through it. We know the emotions and consequences that erupted from our decisions, and we can no longer do anything to fix those mistakes.

This powerlessness can feel liberating because it frees us of the responsibility to act.

We've already made our choice, it’s said and done, and relief comes with that sense of finality. If nothing else, it’s a stark and comforting contrast to the uncertainty of the future. In a way, it’s safer to ponder mistakes and wonder what could have happened if we’d acted differently than to make a decision and act in the present, when more failure may lurk around the bend.

But lingering on the past is a massive waste of time and energy because the present is all we have. We don’t live in the past or the future, but in the now. We can’t take paths we missed in the past, and we can’t know what our current choices will bring until our futures become our present. We can only try our best and make the smartest decisions we can. Anything else is impossible, and holding anyone to impossible standards only invites regret, anger, bitterness, resentment, and hatred—of yourself, other people, and the hand of fate alike.

The first step toward breaking this destructive habit is asking yourself why you’re stuck in the past. What emotion is making you return to the past? Do you feel guilty about something you did? Do you regret something you didn’t do? Are you resentful about old wounds? Are you bitter that opportunities were taken from you? Pinpoint your grievance, accept that it can’t be changed, and forgive everyone—including yourself—for being imperfect.

People make mistakes. While mistakes are frustrating, their existence is inevitable. Often, they’re even helpful. Think about it: do you remember the right answers you had on the tests you took in school? Odds are, you don’t. You were told you knew what you were doing, so you didn’t linger on it. But mistakes stand out. We see that red ink, and we're bothered that we did poorly. This distress encourages us to review the material we missed, and the added weight of having been wrong solidifies the message in our minds. Because we made mistakes, we remember the true answers, the better actions, and the more compassionate approaches more readily. So being wrong is good. If we’re willing to learn our lessons, it helps us become better, more successful people.

But what about when people choose to hurt us? We learn from that, too. We can learn to identify and avoid hurtful people and situations from poor experiences in the past. A woman is unlikely to walk back into a particular bar after being pawed like a cat toy by men in that locale, for example. That’s a lesson learned. Most of the times that we’re wronged can supply us with similar lessons, making us stronger and wiser as we collect life experience.

Bad things happen to everyone, but focusing on being a victim gives all your agency to the past. By contrast, seeing yourself as a fighter or a survivor roots you in the present.

Fighters actively confront their pain, learn from it, resolve lingering emotions, and work toward forgiveness and acceptance. Survivors have finished that work and put their experiences behind them. They know they went through hard times, but they emerged on the other side. They understand that they’re stronger, wiser, and more experienced than people who haven’t seen those aspects of our world. Neither fighters nor survivors stand down and accept their past defining their present. Instead, they leave it behind and focus on the change they’re creating right now.

What’s happening right now, for you, in the present moment? You’re reading, but where are you? Is it comfortable? Are you hungry or thirsty, and do you have the means to fix it? Are you tired or ill and able to rest soon? What else is going on around you right this second? No matter where you are, it’s probably nothing terrible. Most of us live calm, peaceful lives that contain innumerable reasons to be happy. As humans, we’re prone to lingering on the few bad moments in every day and getting stuck on errors and disappointments we experienced, but the present moment? That’s usually pretty good. We all need to notice that, to appreciate that, more often.

Accepting an Uncertain Future

Anticipating and planning for our future needs is often extolled as a virtue in society, and it’s definitely important for us to act in ways that will make our lives easier in later years. For example, when we don’t save for retirement, we find ourselves scrambling in desperation when we become too old to perform our jobs adequately. Similarly, investing in our future housing stability by buying a house or our future career options by taking skill-development courses is not only wise but often necessary. When we perform these actions, we are creating a more stable, secure, and comfortable life for our future selves. But even this version of living for the future, commendable as it is, can be overdone.

Consider the case of the diligent young man who lives well below his means, siphons almost all his income into savings and investments, and is hit by a bus at 34. He couldn’t have known he was wasting his life—he was doing the “right” thing—but he never got to enjoy the fruits of his labor. His hard work was in vain.

Tomorrow can’t be taken for granted by any of us, nor can reaching a ripe old age. Saving is important. Acting to ensure our lasting well-being is indispensable. But delaying all or most of our happiness for the sake of a future that may never come sacrifices the present for the future and drains happiness from life. Balance is necessary. Plan and act for the future but live and act in the moment.

Imagining our future can help us crystallize our goals and enhance our confidence if we do it in moderation, but goals are only useful when they are followed by real, daily action. When dreams of the future distract us from performing those tasks, they’re a waste of time at best. At worst, they’re creating dread and despair for our current lives because we aren’t living the life we want.

When we do this, we’ve raised our expectations so high that all we feel is disappointment. Worse, this mismatch between our expectations and what we feel we deserve can quickly lead to anxiety. Will we ever get what we want? Will we ever be good enough? How can anyone make that much progress? These anxious trains of thought can further propel people toward daydreaming, as it makes daily life more and more unpleasant. Avoid this by setting reasonable, achievable, stepwise goals for yourself. When you see yourself getting closer to your goals, it’s easy to imagine reaching your final destination.

Keeping our brains too fixated on the future damages our happiness, even when we have modest expectations, if we allow our anxiety to take over. It’s easy to be afraid that people will boo us off the stage during a speech or that our car will break down on a long drive. It’s even easier to imagine the hundred ways that we can fail ourselves by not having the strength or character needed to do our work.

But in reality, most people are kind and will accept gaffes, mistakes, or even the occasional calamity. In reality, the world isn’t out to get us; it’s filled with kind people who are willing to help and a million opportunities that most of us can’t imagine until we see them before us. And in reality, most of the things that can go wrong won’t go wrong. Wasting our time fretting for hours, days, or years over mistakes and misfortunes that will, in most cases, not happen is needless.

Worries are only useful as a reminder. If you’re worried you’re going to mess up your speech, stop thinking about it and practice more instead. If you’re worried about your car breaking down, make sure to carry your cell phone and sign up for a roadside assistance service. If there is something you can do to prevent misfortunes, do that thing, then let the worry go. You’ve done your best.

Meanwhile, if you’re anxious about something that you can’t control or mitigate, there’s no benefit in worrying at all; you’re better off enjoying life or working to improve your world. After all, it’s not like worrying about a potential problem makes that problem any less likely; it only makes you devote more of your life to that event than necessary—and at a critical cost.

Worrying activates the body’s stress response, increasing blood pressure, cortisol levels, and the amount of adrenaline pumping through our veins. Combined, these contribute to heart disease, weight gain, insomnia, and some truly unpleasant neurological changes; the effects of these outcomes range from death to improving your likelihood of making poor decisions in the future.

How do we avoid this? Relax a little. Be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that what you “should” do is no more important than what you “want” to do. Treat yourself when you can afford the expense, calories, and lost time. Remember that plans can change and mistakes are not the end of the world. Get enough sleep. Set time aside in each day to enjoy the little things. Without this focus on your present needs, your present life, it’s easy to run yourself into the ground and burn out before you even come close to the life you want to live. Go slow and steady; that’s the only way to win.

Just don’t take it too far. Forgetting the future entirely will make you forget to strive for better things. Similarly, avoiding thoughts of tomorrow can be a way to avoid facing the inevitable change of life. You, your life, your capacities, and your possessions will not remain constant from birth to death. Bodies and minds grow old, people move on, and physical objects break and deteriorate. We must learn to minimize these damages and maximize our gains despite these potentially frustrating facts of life. Giving a thoughtful eye to the future, figuring out a good plan of action, and enacting that plan in our present is the way through. Identify what you need to do and act instead of letting fear develop.

How to Live in the Present

How can we stay in the present? How can we develop our ability to remain conscious of our current environment and actions? Better yet, how can we pull ourselves back to the present when we get stuck lingering on our futures and pasts?

Focus on the present moment. Notice the interactions and processes occurring around you. Quietly observe actions as they unfold and notice your place in the times and locations you experience. Consider any thoughts that arise, but don’t linger on them. The point of this exercise is to really notice the world outside of you and how you can shape and change it with your body and mind. This is great to do while baking or performing housework and can transform the experience from an unpleasant task you can’t wait to finish into a fascinating exploration of the world we occupy.

Pay attention to your senses while going about your day. When you smell something, consider what you can hear or see at the same time. Notice the feeling of fabric on your skin and the breeze through your hair as you move. Feel sunshine, smell the grass and the flowers you pass, and really notice the complex and nuanced flavors of your food. When we focus on our senses, instead of dismissing the information they offer us, a wealth of riches can be discovered in the most mundane events. It also helps us stay connected to our environment, which keeps us in the moment.

Pay attention to your body. Consider and correct your posture. Scan your body to find areas of tension, then tighten and relax those muscles to relieve stress. Pay attention when you feel hungry or thirsty rather than immediately grabbing some food or drink. Notice whether what you really feel is hunger, boredom, or a need for emotional fulfillment; act accordingly. When we genuinely notice what we feel physically, we become more grounded and less prone to distraction.

Learn to meditate and make it a regular practice. The easiest way to start out is through a simple breathing exercise. Breathe in, noticing the physical sensations of your lungs filling with air. Then breathe out while noticing all of the details of that sensation. The important thing here, as in a lot of meditative practices, is to focus on one thing for an extended period of time. Anything can be a focus of simple, singular contemplation like this, but focusing on breathing is one of the easier ways to start.

However you decide to meditate, know that you will be distracted. Thoughts will arise in your mind. When they do, notice them for what they are and return to the object you’re focusing on. Over time, it will become easier to let go of thoughts and focus on a chosen object. Once you gain that discipline, it’s a lot easier to dismiss anxious or distracting thoughts in your day-to-day life.

Allow yourself unspeakable, childlike joy. Children explore the world in a simple, naïve, and hopeful manner. They play with toys, make up games, and form attachments with gusto. Reviving some of your childlike fervor by allowing yourself to experience that same joy as an adult can amp up your ability to live without fear, and that’s a great way to stay in the present moment.

Write down things you’re happy about or grateful for every day. If you make this a consistent practice, you’ll find more and more reasons to be glad every day. Often, we take for granted the good things in life, leaving us with painful and unfortunate events to focus on. Forming a habit of noticing the good trains us out of that mindset and makes us appreciate all the good stuff that happens every day. Even better, writing down the details gives us an easy reference sheet to remind us of all the good things that have happened and will happen to us again in the future. It’s a lot harder to be carried away by negative thoughts when you have proof of all the good in your life!

When you’re getting stuff done, monotask, don’t multitask. Monotasking has been shown to increase focus, happiness, and the quality of our work while reducing stress. All of these help our days go smoothly and our goals get accomplished; that makes it easier to appreciate our current lives.

Take small steps toward the life you want. Often, it can feel like our endgame is a million miles away and we’ll never reach it. That can make us discouraged, encouraging us to give up. But almost every goal affords us something that can be done to get closer to it, even if it’s as small as reading an article or setting up a savings account. Small steps, when put together, allow for a lot of progress. If you work toward your goals for twenty or thirty minutes every day, you’ll be who you want to be, doing exactly what you want to do, in no time at all.

Release tension, set intention. This tip comes from the book High Performance Habits by Brendon Burchard. To do it, stop between projects or events in your life to take two to three minutes to focus on your breathing, releasing all the tension from your body. Our prior steps about meditating and focusing on your body should help. After you do this, think about how you want to move forward right now. When you do this, you’ll find that the tasks you perform in a day transform from an endless series of events to complete into isolated tasks that are approached with singular focus. This will increase your performance by keeping your current task in the forefront of your mind.

When you notice your thoughts drifting unconsciously to the past or future—and you will; we all do—take that drifting as a cue that you need to perform one or more of the focusing tasks listed above. You don’t have to give in to the cycle; the distracted thoughts themselves can be your cue to dive right back into the present moment.

Remember, our whole lives exist in the now, and our actions in those successive moments are what we should be thinking about most of the time. That way we notice all the calm, peaceful, joyful things we encounter, and we remember to stay calmly and dutifully on the path that will lead us to our goals.

When we think of the past, it should be to learn a lesson, resolve emotions, or relive a pleasant experience. If we spiral into unpleasantness, we need to engage in actions that will pull us back to the peace and joy of the present moment. Similarly, when we think of the future, it should always be with an eye toward inspiring our current actions and planning our path to our goals. If it isn’t directly informing or motivating current actions, it’s taking up time for no purpose and we must recall ourselves to the current time. In the end, we can only control the present moment. The past is gone, the future is uncertain, but the life we’re living right here, right now? That’s real. We control that. Let’s make it good.

Summary

• Stay present. It’s something we hear frequently, but what does it mean? Simply put, we are more often caught in the past or looking forward to the future. When we are caught in the past, we are affected by things and events that we have no control over. When we are looking forward to the future (excessively, of course), we are also affected by that which we have no control over.

• Author Eckhart Tolle has great insight into the problem of fixating on the past or future; he once said, “All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry—all forms of fear—are caused by too much future and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”

• To let go of the past is to forgive, excuse, and allow for errors. We can learn from the past, and we don’t have to experience things in vain. To stop fixating on the future is to accept uncertainty and a certain amount of randomness. We cannot control very much in our lives, and all we can control is our actions and reactions.

• Staying in the present is of course easier said than done, but the practice of meditation is a useful blueprint. It is important to clear your mind and simply lose yourself in a thought, feeling, or sensation. Preoccupation is the worst of sins here, and it can only be defeated with time and practice—and the knowledge that the past does not matter anymore and the future is out of our control.