Stoicism’s Approach To Beat Suffering

Tip 1: Control what you can control

The adjective “stoic” has been used to describe asceticism or having a “stiff upper lip” when it comes to suffering. Still, the ancient Roman philosophy of Stoicism has so much more to offer when it comes to understanding and dealing with pain. It’s arguable that, through other influential writers and psychotherapists like Paul Dubois in the early 20th century, stoicism has inspired modern-day cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

The ancient writings of Seneca, Marcus Aurelias and others favored a practical and dignified approach to the problem of pain. And their findings were not dissimilar to what the Buddhists on the other side of the world were also discovering. They too understood that pain was part of life. However, by focusing passively on it and dwelling on negativity, the pain was essentially amplified, while we forfeited our power to consciously focus on what we valued.

Where the Buddhists focused on tranquility, compassion and a peaceful detachment from the transience of life, the Stoics found refuge in objectivity. What does pain look like when we approach it without layers of fear, resistance, or apathy? Seneca echoes the “second darts” idea when he states, “Do not let us build a second story to our sorrow by being sorry for our sorrow.”

Epictetus similarly advises us to, “make the best of what is in our power, and take the rest as it naturally happens." This is seen as a rational approach to the fact of pain. Again, you might recognize this spirit in the deeply Stoic Serenity Prayer, which has only recently been co-opted by Alcoholics Anonymous and other groups:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”  

As we did in the previous section, we can consciously work to discern the difference between pain and suffering, between fact and opinion, between sensation and our internal narrative about that sensation. We do not need life to be painless. We need only serenity, courage and wisdom. Some things in life happen outside of our control and without our permission. Some of these things are devastating. Nevertheless, we are always free to focus on what we can control – what else is there to do, really?

Epictetus claims in the Enchiridion (translation by Elizabeth Carter):

“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions. The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will do nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you will not be harmed.”

Though the language here may be strange to modern ears, when Epictetus talks about “lamenting” and being “disturbed” we could arguably substitute the word “suffer” or indeed “experience mental illness” depending on our particular theoretical and cultural perspective. Whether you agree with Epictetus’ categorization of what is in control and what isn’t, the point remains: we suffer when we confuse what is in our zone of control and what isn’t.

While the Buddhists feel that suffering comes about from misplaced attachment, the Stoics recognize that too little attachment, or inappropriate attachment, is also a source of trouble. For them, we suffer if we:

1. Fail to take control of things that are in our control, or,

2. Think we can take control over what we actually can’t.

For example, we may find that our partner behaves in ways we disagree with, or holds opinions we find unfathomable. Maybe they have a bad habit of getting frustrated with or treating us in ways we dislike, despite trying to convince them otherwise. We may start to feel anxious, helpless, angry and obsessed… but why? Not because of the way they are, but because of how we are: we wrongly believe that their behavior is our business, or that it’s under our sovereign control. It isn’t!

In fact, any time you find yourself unhappy and blaming something external (the government, your family, your job, the universe itself…) then you can be sure this is suffering directly caused by an error in your reasoning. Getting unhappy about what is not in your control doesn’t not make it more under your control, and only results in you, well, being unhappy. So why do it? For the Stoics, this sort of passive victim mentality worsens suffering, and doesn’t do anything to reduce pain.

Similarly, we suffer if something is in our control, but we forfeit this sovereignty by failing to act. Perhaps we are the ones with the bad habit, the weird opinion or the inexcusable behavior. It is nobody’s responsibility but our own to fix this – and we suffer when we abdicate this responsibility.

If we want a double dose of suffering, we might even do a blend of both: fail to take responsibility for our actions while simultaneously placing that control outside of ourselves. For example, we have a bad diet and are overweight. We not only fail to control our eating habits (error 1), we also blame external factors for causing our problem, thus ensuring we never take responsibility for it (error 2).

One excellent way to start reducing these kinds of errors in your own life is to ask: is this mine?

Is something under your domain of control or not? Is it your responsibility or not? Motivational speaker Byron Katie has her own version of this enquiry. The next time you feel yourself suffering, go quite inside and ask yourself:

Is this my business? (is it in my zone of control?)

Is this their business? (Is this in someone or something else’s control?)

Is this God’s business? (basically, is this completely outside of anyone’s control?)

We can only pragmatically do something about the first. The rest? Like the serenity prayer says, we need to accept.

Tip 2: Be Grateful

It is a mistake to think that Stoic philosophy is gloomy or pessimistic. Rather, the idea is that you actively remove your investment of attention from all those things you cannot hope to change. The energy you free from ruminating over what will not change, can be used to either create what you want – or appreciate how your life is already great just the way it is.

Calmly submitting yourself to your fate doesn’t sound very inspiring, and many people dislike the Stoic ideology since it seems to suggest that we should be resigned and passive. Nothing could be further from the truth! Instead, acceptance frees us – from struggling against pain instead of rationally approaching it as a fact of life.

One way of reducing suffering is to focus not just on what is in your control, but what is actively going well for you at the moment. Have you ever noticed how amazing it feels to eat after getting really hungry, or how deliciously warm your house suddenly feels after you’ve been outside in the cold for a long time? The warmth of your house or the tastiness of the meal might not have been something you relished as much had you not actively experienced its absence beforehand.

This is the principle behind what is called negative visualization. There are many versions and approaches to using negative visualization, but this ancient technique is the counterintuitive practice of imagining that things could be a lot worse. The effect is that you cultivate more acceptance and contentment for the life you do have, in much the same way as you appreciate food more after being hungry.

Though it is popular today to dwell on positive imagery and engage in affirmations, the Stoics went the other direction. By imagining the worst, we do a few things:

1. We desensitize ourselves to pain, so we are not surprised or unprepared for it. This constitutes a kind of training towards mental toughness.

2. We compare our current moment against that, and realize how good we have it right now. This inspires feelings of gratitude and wellbeing.

Let’s look at an example. In the morning, you could wake up and immediately zone your attention in on the fact that the weather isn’t what you want it to be, that it’s Monday and that you’re tired and cranky. None of these things, of course, can really be changed – except to some extent your bad mood. You might decide to dwell on how bad you feel, or look into the bathroom mirror and force yourself to say an affirmation. Maybe you say something like, “Every day and in every way, I am getting better and better.” The trouble is, when you compare this affirmation to what you actually feel, it may seem completely phony. You don’t quite believe it, and in fact, it makes you feel even worse about everything.

If you use negative visualization, however, you don’t do this. You turn your attention to the fact that you completely overlooked all the amazing things in your life that morning to focus on everything that wasn’t working. You ignored your amazing spouse sleeping next to you in bed (and your comfy bed), and you ignored the fact that you are going to a highly coveted job that pays you well and stimulates you mentally.

To practice negative visualization, you could spend a moment to vividly imagine that you have no spouse at all, and are alone. Or, imagine that they are ill with cancer and will die within a month. You could imagine that you don’t have your job, and are struggling with money. You could remember having to do this in the past, and remind yourself of just how bad it was to be financially insecure. You could glance over at your bed and see your plush, warm bed, and in fact realize how comfortable your entire home is. You could dwell on the fact that in parts of the world, some people can only dream of such comfort and luxury…

If you practice this technique often enough, the idea is that you start to gain a different perspective, and appreciate what you have. You really internalize the idea that you are owed nothing in life, and that when you grumble and focus on daily irritations and disappointments, you dishonor all the ways you are blessed.

Another variation on this practice can help you find gratitude and perspective and make transient worries easier to bear, which is to deliberately seek out discomfort. This is perhaps the approach most alien to modern readers, but it achieves an additional benefit:

3. If we routinely embrace, endure and accept pain, we realize that’s it’s not so bad, and that we are more than able to tolerate it and survive.

Sounds dramatic, but imagine an example. You get up and immediately jump into an ice-cold shower. No, you’re not being masochistic. The shower is cold and unpleasant. One might argue it’s painful. But in deliberately seeking it out, we give ourselves the chance to work with and practice a considered attitude towards suffering. Can we endure pain without letting it overwhelm and control us? Is it really the end of the world to temporarily not be perfectly comfortable?

Your cold shower has other benefits. It’s a practice for developing discipline and teaching yourself that momentary discomfort is not something to constantly fear and flee. In fact, you might start to crave that blissful moment when you step out of the shower and into the relatively warm room. The “pain” is invigorating. Your senses are sharpened. Where you might have had a nice warm shower and wasted the pleasure by ruminating on something that happened yesterday, the cold shower brings you smack bang into the moment. Not many people would call a cold shower a meditative practice, but it sure is one way to force your attention to the present!

The next time you are hungry, choose to delay satisfaction for a moment. Embrace hunger. Is it so bad to not always get what you want? And isn’t it great to realize that you can maintain dignity, self-control and calm even if your every whim is not constantly satisfied? Fasting was traditionally and religiously not about food – it was about sharpening the mind, spiritual cleansing and recalibrating one’s attitude towards desire, craving, and fulfilment. The next time you want to complain, simply imagine that you were completely robbed of the thing you’re whining about. You’re like the farmer with 83 problems. Have you been taking something for granted?

If you practice this often enough, you may start to discover something very exciting: that pain, discomfort and dissatisfaction can be powerful tools you can use to cultivate wisdom, discipline and contentment.

Tip 3: Take action

Stoicism is not a perfect philosophy. It emerged from a cultural and historical period very different from our own – a world of slavery, empire, war, famine, plagues and social injustice. How do we reconcile acceptance for what we cannot change with the moral duty to make a difference in the world and fight for what is right? Are there some things in life we should not accept, but rather rail against?

Each of us has to find a comfortable compromise between activism and ambition on the one hand, and helpless, resigned passivity on the other. The big question here is how we really determine if something is out of our control or not. Is it really a black-and-white thing? How can we tell?

For example, there were periods in history and in many regions of the world where slavery was considered a fact of life. In fact, slavery exists today. The Stoics would have advised a literal slave to observe the fact of their enslavement and accept it, since it could not be changed. This would be considered rational. Then again, we know now that the concept of slavery has only been challenged because of people unwilling to accept that it is in reality a part of life. There are, in other words, different opinions about what constitutes “out of our control.”

The Roman philosophy cared deeply about civil participation (for wealthy male landowners, at any rate) and thought it a moral responsibility to act according to one’s conscience. And today, all our best loved thought leaders, innovators and spiritual teachers push enthusiastically against the assumption that humankind can’t be held to a higher standard.

How do we accept what genuinely cannot be changed, without growing resigned? How do we empower ourselves to change while not inviting more suffering into our lives?

There is one pragmatic way to forge your path ahead: take action. Seek evidence for the decisions you wish to make in your life, form hypotheses, and test them. Observe the effect of your actions, and adjust accordingly. Be patient and dedicated, never allowing yourself to get side-tracked by complaining, helplessness or despair.

Action is grounding, and it always empowers, if it comes from a considered and responsible place inside you. Observe the world around you, take action according to your principles, and then let it be. If you look at a completely corrupt institution, you may realize that 95% of it is rotten and cannot be redeemed. You do not despair about this fact, but simply focus on the 5% - what can you do? When you are alone with yourself in bed at night, you are not overwhelmed by difficulties because you know in your heart you’ve done what you can.

The Stoic philosophy can seem cold and individualistic to the extreme. It is a philosophy heartily embraced by entrepreneurs and champions of a kind of “dog-eat-dog” conception of the world. But one could argue that the goal of Stoicism was never to simply stand outside life, safe from any negative emotion. We can also use our energy to choose – and we can choose to improve the world, to help our fellow human beings, and to create a vision of reality that we value.

The ancient focus on survival, mental toughness and endurance can be updated for our current reality. Marcus Aurelius tells us to, “Meditate often on the interconnectedness and mutual interdependence of all things in the universe.” Have sympathy and kindness for others, and realize that you are empowered to take action to create good.

Sometimes, we encounter pain and can do nothing but say, “hello, pain. I see you.”

But sometimes, we encounter it and can say, “this doesn’t have to be this way. I can change you.”

Again, we need the wisdom to know the difference. When we are in a seemingly dire or hopeless situation, we can almost always lessen our suffering by taking positive action according to our values. When you choose good even in the face of evil, you ennoble yourself, and “be the change you wish to see in the world” as Gandhi asked us. Just because we are focused on bravely accepting what we don’t like, and surviving a world we are not in control of, it doesn’t mean we can’t deliberately look for beauty, and train our focus onto it.

In Mediations, Marcus Aurelius says:

“We should remember that even Nature’s inadvertence has its own charm, its own attractiveness. The way loaves of bread split open on top in the oven; the ridges are just by-products of the baking, and yet pleasing, somehow: they rouse our appetite without our knowing why. Or how ripe figs begin to burst. And olives on the point of falling: the shadow of decay gives them a peculiar beauty.”

Can we find beauty, meaning and joy even in those things we don’t necessarily like, understand or feel in control of?

One way to lessen suffering and remind yourself of your own agency is to take action – even small action. Make your action a dignifying one that highlights the beauty and goodness in the world. Even if nothing at all in your situation changes, you may be transformed within.

You could ask, “what is under my control here, and what isn’t?” but another way to ask the question is, “what can I do here to elevate this situation?” Because there is always something! We always have under our control the ability to speak kindly, to be generous, to forgive, to seek to understand, to create joy and laughter, to find the gentler interpretation rather than the harsher one.

Therefore, compassion can be seen as a rational approach to life. Even if you find yourself answering the question “what can I control?” with “absolutely nothing” it doesn’t mean you cannot still smile, be helpful, and try to add value anyway. In this way, we cultivate acceptance and not passive resignation – our acceptance is an active, conscious choice, not something we do because we can’t do anything else.

German Muslim footballer Mesut Ozil was once playing a game when fans of the opposition threw a piece of bread at him. Instead of kicking it aside, he picked it up, kissed it, touched it to his forehead, and gently set it aside before continuing to play. What was a disrespectful gesture was thus quietly transformed; he explained that food was not to be wasted in his religion, and his gestures were a way to remind himself to show gratitude to God.

Did this do anything to undo the taunt by the rude fans? Did his action make any material difference to the world? No. The fact of their behavior remained what it was. And yet, his action, though small, was powerful.

Tip 4: Weigh up the costs of struggling

Pushing against things we can’t control seems irresistible at times. We rant and rail and complain. We feel it is unfair, unbearable, unjust. But what we can forget is that this attitude comes with a cost. While we are so focused on what is not going our way, we are oblivious to how our struggle itself is a big part of the problem. As the Stoics would say (and the Buddhists, for that matter!), it’s not the pain that is our problem, but our resistance to the pain.

Would we be so willing to complain and find fault and struggle if we knew that it was actually making things worse for us?

The problem is that the human brain is wired for a certain kind of negativity. When it zooms in on the worst aspects of a situation, seeking out the problems and highlighting everything that is not right, it thinks it’s helping. In many ways, it is! But although struggling and mental resistance are automatic, easy and even biologically inbuilt, it doesn’t mean that it’s rational or that it makes our lives better.

One way to get out of this bind is to keep consciously reminding yourself to weigh up the benefits and costs of both struggling and acceptance. Once you do this consciously, you can make a deliberate, rational choice for yourself. Usually, we ignore the costs of struggling, but once you grasp the futility of pushing against something which won’t move, you won’t want to waste that energy again!

Let’s look at an example. Imagine one night, on a dark and unlit street, you accidentally run over a dog that dashes across the road. You instantly feel racked with guilt and sadness, and are shaken up for days. You could dwell on this incident and beat yourself up about it, almost punishing yourself with the guilt trip, telling everyone you meet about the incident and how horrible it was. Or, you could take a step back and have a good look at your predicament.

Now, the Stoics would not suggest here that all you need to do is pretend everything’s fine since the fact of the dog’s death cannot be changed. You are sad, and that is also a fact of the situation. You could calmly ask yourself what you could do to better your situation – i.e. what actions you could take. In the short term, of course, you could report the accident and do what you could to notify the owners, as well as move the dog out of the road so that it doesn’t endanger anybody else’s safety. You could maybe commit to drive a little slower on that road or be extra careful in general, but the fact remains that it was a random accident that you could do little to avoid.

From this point on, you have a choice: you can continue to focus on the sadness and guilt, or you can accept what happened and move on. Yes, it is a choice! You can still feel sad, and you can still wish the dog hadn’t been run over. But if you notice yourself in that thought spiral, you can stop and ask yourself, “do my thoughts do a single thing to bring the dog back to life?” In fact, look at what your thoughts are achieving – likely making you miserable. And really, the world does not benefit from your misery!

Now it’s true that nobody ever succeeded in turning off their emotions like a tap just because they made the right argument against it. But we do have control over how much we entertain those emotions, how much we focus and dwell on them, how much we fan the flames and keep them burning.

There is nothing that will cause more suffering in life than vehemently insisting that life be other than what it is. If you can improve your situation, use your emotional energy to do that. If you can’t, that energy should go towards maintaining your own serenity and self-control. Think of it this way: the thing you’re resisting is still going to be what it is, no matter what you do. If you are full of angst and resistance, the situation is what it is, and if you are calm and accepting, the situation is what it is. So, you might as well be calm and spare yourself the energy.

For those of us who feel like acceptance is a little too close to apathy or condoning what we don’t like, a subtle mindset shift might help. The Stoics encourage us to gently turn our attention to those areas of life where we do have some control to act and improve things. So, you could ask what life has already given you that can help you cope with your pain. We all have strengths and virtues, we have support networks and the wisdom of other people, we have tools and coping mechanisms, and we can always learn and equip ourselves with knowledge. What are they?

You may not be able to do anything to help the situation right in front of you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find any purpose or sense of meaning elsewhere. Intentional and conscious positive action is powerful stuff, even if it’s only dimly connected to the problem causing you pain. If you really found yourself eaten up by the accident, you could get in touch with the authorities to see about having a bright streetlight installed to illuminate that dark corner. You could find the dog owners and show them kindness, or perhaps simply offer to help them adopt a new dog. You could donate to an animal charity or volunteer at the local dog shelter. If you were feeling upset and turning the same thoughts around and around in your head, you could simply force yourself to stop and go for a run instead. At the very least, you’ll be distracted and give yourself something productive to focus on.

Summary:

• The Stoics, like the Buddhists, understood that pain is just a part of life, and taught that we need to retain quiet, dignified serenity in the face of adversity, focusing on what we can control, while accepting what we can’t. One way to practice the Stoic philosophy is to carefully consider your zone of control or, as Byron Katie suggests, identify what is your business, the other person’s business, and God’s business.

• Another technique is to use negative visualization to develop gratitude for everything you already have. By imagining that things could be a lot worse, you re-calibrate your expectations and focus more with appreciation on the present. We also desensitize ourselves to discomfort and learn that we can, in fact, endure it.

• One way to empower ourselves in the face of life’s pain is to take action. Action grounds us. We can always seek to elevate the situation we find ourselves in, draw on our strengths, and work with what we have. We can choose to build, create and solve problems. We can do this if we stop wasting energy on those things we have no hope of changing.

• Finally, we can become cognizant of the fact that resistance and struggle come with a cost, and inevitably cause us to suffer, all while doing nothing to improve our lives. Though our brains may be primed for a certain kind of negativity, we can always choose to create meaning, do a good deed or take productive action to improve things.