We Were Meant to Mingle

Scientists discovered long ago that social animals have different (and bigger!) brains than animals that are solitary. In mammals especially, brain size correlates with complexity of social interaction. The reason is obvious: to understand another’s motivations, to develop language, to engage with others, to fight, to flirt, to gossip, to remember names, to negotiate—all of this takes considerable brain power. It goes the other way too: when a social animal like a human being is lonely or alienated, he suffers not just mentally, but physically. We evolved in a complex, social world of small groups, and to this day we function better when we have friends, romantic partners, and family members to share life with.

Our brains are designed to connect with others. Having a healthy social life is like an immune system, only one that is external to your body. Besides the obvious benefits of having someone to help you through troubles, bounce ideas off of or simply have a good time with, friends boost our sense of community and belonging. They add immense value and color to life.

Crucially, however, it’s worth defining what “social interaction” really is. Unfortunately, many of us have grown up in a digital world, where our social lives have shifted online and become decidedly more unreal.

With a wave of new research showing that social media use is often linked to worse mental health, it’s important to realize that nothing can replace genuine interaction with people you care about, preferably in person. Natural, real-time conversation and the ability to engage with a person directly is always going to be more satisfying than sitting in front of a pixelated screen, looking at static, curated images.

If you’re finding that your social life could be healthier, understand that although it may take some time to build it up again, it’s more than possible to find people to build meaningful, lasting connections with. Start small and make it a habit to be friendly and chatty with everyone. Become curious about the people around you and get involved in community events. Reach out to family and reconnect with old friends you may have neglected. Smile more at people as you walk past them in the streets, and make a conscious effort to prioritize real- life interaction over texting.

Volunteer or offer your time to a charity.

Speak with people who are completely unlike you—you could learn more from them than it first seems, and give your brain a social workout. Though quiet time spent alone is regenerative, avoid moping at home by yourself. If nothing else, sit in a café where you’re surrounded by people rather than alone in front of the TV. Commit to remembering people’s birthdays and small details about their lives. If you’re dating, try more conventional methods and don’t rely exclusively on online dating apps that can be dehumanizing and stressful.

Go to community functions, or join a gym or class and get chatting with the people beside you. There’s no need to have a roaring time dashing all over the place— simply notice other people more, and make it a habit to engage with them whenever you can. This is far easier to do if you remember that genuine and spontaneous interaction often benefits both of you, and leaves the world feeling like a less lonely, less hostile place.

If we think of our brains as nothing more than machines, then we’ll be tempted to imagine that all a brain does is process and manipulate objective data. So much of this “data,” however, is in fact emotional in nature. If we envision our brains as tiny computers, we forget all the other things they’re just as good at doing: making art, making friends, making jokes, making love, making excuses... The brain is not just a massive CPU, but the seat of all human ingenuity, the place our personality lives, a record of our history on this earth, a tool for communication, and a way to create poetry and music.

In the past, people thought that doing crossword puzzles was enough to “keep the mind busy.” We saw the brain as something that produced, merely a kind of calculator that had mathematics and logic as its natural objects. However, a person who is socially isolated, physically unwell, and who has bad lifestyle habits and no sense of purpose or direction in life will not be healthy, cognitively or otherwise, no matter how endowed they are with intelligence or how many puzzles or brain training games they can do. So, somewhat paradoxically, one of the best ways to boost brain health appears to be to focus on everything but the brain: your social life, relationships, good exercise, nutrition, and physical health.