Mind Over Matter

Let's walk through the familiar chain reaction of events that you have unwittingly followed for years. Let's take the illustrative example of weight loss.

You are likely operating under several unhelpful assumptions. You think you can't lose weight unless you give up all pleasure and become a monk. What if you can't lose the weight? What if you can't keep it off? It's just easier to keep doing what you're doing rather than risking failure. Another assumption you may have is that you lack energy and time. You're just too tired to go cook for yourself and exercise every day; it's easier just to grab fast food.

These unhelpful assumptions then lead to discomfort. What feelings are causing you to feel uncomfortable? Maybe you feel bad about eating something you know you shouldn't. Maybe you're jealous that your sister can just eat what she wants. Maybe you're irritated that fresh fruits and vegetables are so expensive. Maybe you feel embarrassed because you haven't lost weight at all despite secretly starting to care about your goal. You can't carry on in the status quo, so something needs to change.

So you start to soften the discomfort by making excuses. You don't have the right workout clothes to go to the gym. You don't want to miss out on the birthday party fun, so you're going to have that piece of cake. You're too tired after work to do all that meal prep. You'll just wait for the beginning of the month so you can track everything more neatly.

Deep down inside, you may or may not realize these are excuses to keep you in inaction. But whatever the case, you will eventually feel that some sort of action is required. This is where avoidance activities come in. Remember, there are two types: ones that distract you from your growing discomfort and ones that make you feel like you're doing something (though you really aren't).

Maybe you go out for dinner with coworkers after work instead of going to the gym. You might spend time finding recipes on Pinterest instead of actually cooking a healthy meal. Maybe you hop on the Internet to intensely and painstakingly research what kind of gym equipment you need instead of just going to the gym.

These actions lead to consequences. One negative consequence could be feelings of guilt: guilt for not working out, guilt for not following a meal plan, guilt about the choices you're making. Another negative consequence could be actually gaining weight instead of losing it.

The only positive consequences are related to not delaying gratification and being able to pretend that you are doing everything correctly. Another positive could be that your "cheat meal" improved your mood.

Negative consequences lead to more avoidance and lack of desire to face reality. Positive consequences lead to more self-sabotage. And now you're back to the beginning with even less incentive or optimism about losing weight.

Let's look at another example.

What if you've always wanted to open an ice cream shop? Your friends and family know you love ice cream, and you're always talking about this dream of yours but you've never taken the plunge to start your own business. Maybe there's a cycle of lack of self-discipline contributing to your hesitancy to open that shop.

Jumping into the cycle, what are the unhelpful assumptions you're telling yourself? A prime assumption would be fear of the unknown or catastrophe. If you quit your job and go full speed ahead with your ice cream business, what if it fails? What will it be like to be a business owner? What if you lose a ton of money? You may also suffer from a lack of self-confidence. What if you can't do this? You tell yourself you don't have the business acumen, you've never done this before, and you have no idea what you're doing.

Another unhelpful assumption you may be making is that you need to be in charge. Now, it might seem that, with your own business, you would be in charge. But there are things that are out of your control. Your business loan is dependent on the banker. You won't have ice cream to sell if your supplier can't get your product to you. You can't guarantee that you'll have customers. These are all things out of your control.

Thinking about these assumptions probably has you feeling pretty uncomfortable. You likely have some anxiety about such a big change. There may be some fear mixed in at the thought of quitting your job to go out on your own. You may be feeling overwhelmed by all of the things that go into starting your own business.

When you're feeling this uncomfortable, it's easy to come up with excuses for not moving forward. You can't open an ice cream shop because you just don't have the know-how. Maybe your excuse is that you don't know for sure if your shop will be a success. Or perhaps you feel like you don't have time to open a business.

So as a result of these excuses, you move into avoidance activities. Instead of going to the bank to find out about business loans, you watch the football game on TV instead. You get distracted. Or you get together with friends to talk about your idea instead of taking action on steps to move toward your dream. You feel productive in some non-movement way.

As for consequences of these avoidance tactics? One negative consequence may be that you miss out on an opportunity for a perfect location for your ice cream shop because you hadn't moved forward with your plan. One positive consequence could be that you enjoy spending time with your friends and you like talking about your idea, leading you to do this more frequently instead of starting up your business. Again, negative consequences create pessimism, while positive consequences create self-sabotage.

And here we are again at the start of the cycle. You lack the self-discipline to start your new business because you are operating under unhelpful assumptions, which cause you to make excuses that lead to avoidance that, in turn, results in consequences that hamper your self-discipline.

It's time to talk about breaking the cycle. Fortunately, a cycle doesn't need to be broken in any particular location or sequence. Once any phase is disrupted, it makes the rest impossible to continue.