From Sleepwalking to Self-Awareness: Life Lessons with Cary Prejean ***HIGHLIGHTS***

Cary Prejean: 00:00:00

if you're a banana, don't try to be an orange.

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You won't be a good orange.

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you be a banana.

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You're gonna attract people

who love bananas, right?

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Until you define what is

satisfaction, what will satisfy

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you, you will never be satisfied.

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The lesson out of that is,

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go where you're valued most.

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Go to environments, go to

people where you're gonna be

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in, you're gonna be valued most,

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Russell Newton: Hello listeners and

welcome back to The Science of Self, where

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you Improve your Life from the inside out.

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We have a guest with

us today, Cary Prejean.

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I'm not going to introduce our guest

today other than give a name and ask,

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uh, him to introduce himself and tell

us what we should know about him.

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Cary Prejean: Okay, that's, that'd be me.

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I'm trying to keep it relatively short.

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Background is in accounting.

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CPA started consulting in 87 after

working for several companies.

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And the big thing that got me going was

I noticed that business owners did not

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know how to use their financial data.

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They did not how to read

financial statements.

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There were all very good at

possibilities and turning into revenue.

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They were very bad at managing

a business, scaling a business,

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building an organization, having

processes to run the business.

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They all became, I guess

they worked for the business.

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The business didn't work for them.

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They couldn't take time off, et cetera.

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Part of my, mission was to educate

business owners on how to quote, manage

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by the numbers that they all talked about,

but really didn't know how to do it.

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And the newer thing is they all,

everybody wants to take their

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business to the next level.

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And again, it's so tell

me what's the next level?

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And it's more revenue.

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Okay.

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But.

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So what I, the way I work with people

where I work with business owners is

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we start with by helping them, and I

know this sounds like a bold claim,

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but we double net profits in a year.

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Secondly, we give you, we help

you structure your business

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so that now the business works

for you rather than you for it.

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The businesses run by processes.

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We also get you actionable financial data

on a weekly basis so that you can manage

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by the numbers and longer term, we help

you design your business into the future.

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So that can be what's most beneficial

for you rather than the forces

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of the market and government and

competitors and everything else

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pushing your business somewhere

you probably don't want it to be.

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Russell Newton: Alright, Cary so you're

a business coach and you double profits.

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You deal with revenue and numbers

and all those, uh, very invaluable

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things for a business owner.

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But this is not a business

podcast, and our listeners are

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not looking for business advice.

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Of course, they're looking

for personal growth advice.

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So when my listener says, before they

tune out, what does this mean for me?

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What does this interview have for me?

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Can you draw some lines, draw

some connections there for us?

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Cary Prejean: People walk through

life sleepwalking actually with this

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narrative of, if only my life were

more better or different, I'd be happy.

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But they never take the time to ref,

define what is more, better or different.

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It's oh, I wish I made more money.

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And also they refer to happiness.

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Like it's this thing that's out there that

hopefully will find them somewhat someday.

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And happy is a very temporary

emotion that's about, I'm happy

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because I assess this positive

self is happening to me right now.

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what I point to is something

that's more lasting.

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My question is, what is

going to satisfy you?

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by satisfy, satisfaction.

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Lemme put this place.

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Satisfaction is defined

by what is enough action.

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So if you're saying you want more, better,

different, more, better, different what?

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You want more money, how much more?

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And if you just want more

income, here's 10 bucks.

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You happy?

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You satisfied?

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No.

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Okay, so define the number and here's

a, here's something I learned a long

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time ago from one of my mentors.

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Until you define what is

satisfaction, what will satisfy

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you, you will never be satisfied.

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You'll always have that, if following

my life will be or different, and

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most people spend about maybe five

minutes thinking about what do I want?

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What do I want outta my life?

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I.

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than just, I get a job, I go to

work, I come home, drink a six pack,

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watch some tube, go to sleep and

do it all over again, and, pray for

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the weekends so I can do even less.

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There's no, for me anyway,

there's no satisfaction to that.

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I would be depressed.

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I would be resigned and resentful.

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And that's what most of these people are

resign and resentful and they're just flow

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through the motions, just trying to get to

the weekends because again there's that,

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and there's nothing I can do about it.

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That the cement of everything.

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So when you begin to live in

different conversations, you

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get to live in different moods.

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the ambition, gratitude, joy,

peace, and you have all these

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now your world is wide open.

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a much, you're a much happier person.

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If you are living in gratitude, joy,

and peace, you're going to be happy.

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of the time.

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And if you live in ambition where

you, there's all these possibilities.

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Ambition is about what's possible

and, oh, that's possible.

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That's possible.

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Now you can begin to take

action towards what, define

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what is your satisfaction first.

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Then you can begin taking

action to attain all that.

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The, is any of this making sense?

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Russell Newton: Absolutely.

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Yes.

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Uh, there's so much in here I want,

I'm making notes to get back to.

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But yeah, the it's making perfect sense.

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Cary Prejean: So for your listeners,

if you're feeling stuck, if you

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are unhappy with life, if you're

in a relationship that doesn't

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work, begin to define what actions.

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And again, in relationships you can't.

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One of your things of satisfaction is

the other person can't make you happy.

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The other person can't make you sad.

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They can invite you to suffer.

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But they can't.

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Happy and sadness and anger,

that's all self-generated.

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And it's all because

something gets triggered.

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And your discourse, your interpretations

of the world, your perspective tells you,

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be happy, be mad, be sad, be something.

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Your narrative is dictating how you react.

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Your narrative has been gaining,

gathering evidence all your

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life to prove that it's right.

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And when you go to interrupt

that and change it, like no.

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What you just, you try something

different and it doesn't work.

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See, I told you I told

you it's gonna fail.

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You are unlovable, you are stupid,

you are whatever, so really

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lemme put it this way, why do the

world's best athletes have coaches?

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Because you can't see yourself in

the performance of what you're doing.

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You can't see yourself.

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Michael Jordan, as great as he was,

could not see himself on the court.

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Now you can see films after it

takes a coach that can tell you just

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little distinctions about, make this

distinction, try this, try that.

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And next thing you know

your game is up, is upped.

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just a little bit, but a lot.

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It's those, the fun of the distinction,

generally, the more powerful they are.

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Also, the coach should have been

around longer than you and knows

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different strategies and how to

use them in playing the game.

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Now again, the coach doesn't

play the game, right?

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The coach is there to help you up your

game level and come together as a team.

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And again, like the of reading something,

it was yesterday and they're talking about

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these really championship sport teams,

you can buy all the best talent around.

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It's still gonna take that team probably

three to four years, five years maybe,

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to really gel together as a team.

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if you bring in a whole

bunch of superstars.

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You got a whole bunch of egos that

have to learn to work together.

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So again, this work is very rewarding.

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But it takes time.

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It takes a coach and it takes really

becoming a lot more self-aware

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about who you are and the narrative

that you live by that drives you

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to experience life the way you do.

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So if you want a much more

rewarding, world, rewarding

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experience of life, it's available.

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You just have to live with

that interpretation that yes,

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it's all these possibilities.

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Yes, I'm happy for, I'm

grateful for everything I have.

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I'm at peace with, okay, I'm 70 years old.

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I'm a male, I'm married,

I'm a grandfather.

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All the facts of my life.

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I accept all of that.

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That's who I am.

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There's some peace that comes with that.

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the joy of, yes, I'm here.

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I've been, in my life

has got me to right here.

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This is still what's possible.

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And there's a lot of

joy about that, right?

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There was a guy who, a man

who gave his son a, an antique

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automobile when he turned 18.

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And he told the son, he said, look,

take it different places around town.

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Find out what they'll give you for it.

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Don't sell it.

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Find out what they gave for you.

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So he goes to a new dealer a used car

lot, and he, they offered him 500.

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So he goes to a new dealership,

new car dealership, and they offer

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him a thousand as a trade in.

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Right incentive to buy.

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He went to an antique car dealer

and they offered him 5,000.

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He goes to a car club that specialized

in that make model and car.

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Somebody offered him 30 grand.

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So the lesson out of that is,

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how do you wanna say it?

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Go where you're valued most.

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Go to environments, go to people

where you're gonna be in, in,

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you're gonna be valued most, nothing

changed about the car, it's just the

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perceived value when those who saw it.

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So

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that was supposed to leave me somewhere

about having different conversations.

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You're so what you need to, you

have to be clear about money.

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Money was, yeah, that was the thing.

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So what is money?

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Most people think money is the green

paper we find in our wallets, or the

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digital digits in our bank accounts.

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Those are artifacts.

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Yeah, what is money for human

beings money or is a promise?

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So people who acquire wealth acquire

a whole bunch of promises that they

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can offer to buy what they want.

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Russell Newton: Okay.

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Cary Prejean: If you look at

a tree line, in the distance,

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what tree are you gonna notice?

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Pretty much to me, the tree

that's calling and the rest

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Russell Newton: A different one?

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Yeah,

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Cary Prejean: yeah, the different one,

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Russell Newton: I.

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Cary Prejean: Everything

else just looks the same.

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So you don't want to be in a marketplace

where you look like everybody else.

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need to find out what is your special

sauce as they say that people are gonna

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want to be a path to your door, you're

not gonna figure it out in a weekend..

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In other words, what is special

about you as a human being?

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What is your offer to the world?

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And also be clear, you are not

going to attract everybody.

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That's I've said in classes I've taught

about using the ontology of languages,

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half the world thinks you're an asshole.

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I don't care who you are because of

your age, 'cause of your sex, because

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the way you come from, because of

the religion, you practice the way

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you look something, half the world's

gonna think, ah, but the other half

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of the world, what is it about you?

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That is if you can be your

authentic self, right?

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And I know that gets tossed around.

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And what is a authentic self?

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If you can be who you really are,

you're going to attract certain people.

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They're gonna be attracted to who you are.

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They're gonna be attracted to your

discourse, attracted to your conversation.

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They're gonna attracted, they're

gonna be attracted to you being you.

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Now this goes back in the seventies,

but I read a book by Leo Lus Scalia.

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I dunno if anybody knows him,

thing was, if you're a banana,

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don't try to be an orange.

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You won't be a good orange.

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So people who like oranges won't

like you and people who like bananas

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because you're trying to be an orange,

aren't gonna like you be a banana.

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You're gonna attract people

who love bananas, right?

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Again, in terms of your personal offer

to the world is be your authentic self.

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But you need to be real clear.

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Who is that?

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A again, it comes down to

who are you in the world?

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What is your offer?

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Not just what can you get from

people, you're not trying to sell

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anybody anything, but what is

your, what are your interests?

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What do you do?

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What, why would somebody

wanna spend time with you

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and you're not, again, you're not

gonna answer that in a weekend.

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Russell Newton: Exactly.

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Cary Prejean: some time.

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Russell Newton: A person can't be

themselves until they get rid of those

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false perceptions and the false lens

that they put on the world, as you

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mentioned, that were presented to us

in our early life as children, uh,

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that color everything that we do.

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But you made an interesting point that

that narrative continues to change as I.

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Go through life.

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My personality, a person's

personality, I believe is, is

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set for the most part early,

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But there can be changes.

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I.

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Cary Prejean: Yeah I agree.

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General temperament is probably at birth,

everything that happens to it afterwards,

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comes from where you grew up, the people

surrounding you, where you grew up,

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your parents socioeconomic background,

what you're exposed to, all that stuff.

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It all accumulates and

you begin developing some.

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about the world early on, and

then you spend the rest of your

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life gathering evidence that

those assessments are correct.

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The problem is we forget,

they're just assessments.

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It's just a story we told ourselves.

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We hold them like they're the truth.

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Not just the truth, but the truth in

capital letters, and that those are

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generally the places, especially the

ones we hold very dear to our hearts.

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Those are the places where

people usually suffer.

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Those are the ones that

become dysfunctional or

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disempowering, for people.

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So it's a, it's being able, and the

reason it's work is so hard sometimes

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is because it's because they're so

sacrosanct, oh my God, no, I can't

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examine, I can't examine this one.

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This one's too precious.

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It's too much meat.

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They can all be, they can all be examined.

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Russell Newton: that's great.

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What is this person's special offer?

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I was taught through, well, really through

high school, every person knows something.

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I don't know.

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Therefore, every person, uh, can be

my teacher and I need to seek out

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that thing within them that they know

and, and learn something from them.

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Ties in what is this

person's special offer?

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I like that the, the phrasing of that,

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Cary Prejean: Yeah, no, absolutely.

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There's something to learn from everybody.

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And we as Americans always want

like the drive through answer.

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Just tell me the answer.

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I don't have

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Russell Newton: Right.

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Cary Prejean: do all this work and

like study and actually learn it.

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Learn it, tell me the answer.

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And it's in that kind of a mood

that's an arrogant, already know

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everything, just gimme the answer.

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That we cheat ourselves out of all

kinds of learning and life experiences

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and really discovering other people.

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Russell Newton: If you were

going to list a couple of seven

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habits of what, of yourself or

other highly successful people?

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What might those be that a

younger individual should look to

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incorporate into their, into their

lives on a daily, regular basis?

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And then what final piece of advice

would you give to our listeners

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to, to maybe sum up or maybe expand

the conversations that we've had?

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Cary Prejean: Yeah.

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I don't know if I have seven.

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Russell Newton: No, no, that's fine.

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Cary Prejean: yeah.

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Russell Newton: Two or

three, whatever you have.

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Cary Prejean: yeah, one of

the things I always, I really.

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How you get people focused on is

what it's gonna to satisfy you.

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is the enough action?

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What domain of action?

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And 37 years ago, one of my ma, my

major mentor outside of my father

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said, do you wanna things life?

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I said, yeah.

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He goes, being ultimately satisfied,

getting exactly what you want.

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I said, man, that's great.

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He goes, you know how to get it.

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You ask what you want.

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yeah, but before that he

says, know what you want.

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If you don't know what you want

and anything will do, you'll

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probably never be satisfied.

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In fact, if you don't declare again,

if you don't declare satisfaction,

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you will never be satisfied.

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So take some time.

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It's not gonna be easy.

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: 00:15:34

It's not gonna be quick.

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Always be asking yourself,

what would satisfy me?

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What would be enough action

here I would, I would get it.

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Again, so every.

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Part of your life requires that kind of

reflection, whether it's your hobbies,

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your body, your relationship, your money,

your job, your career, all of that.

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So that's one place.

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It's always focusing on satisfaction.

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It leads to a much more rewarding life.

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: 00:16:00

other thing would be to

practice what I call acceptance.

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: 00:16:03

And I'm talking about acceptance of what's

like what are the facts of your life?

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: 00:16:08

I went through a short list of mine.

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: 00:16:10

What are the facts of your life?

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: 00:16:10

Have you, whatever they are, especially

the ones you're not comfortable with.

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: 00:16:14

The ones you don't like, I know

one guy, he was like I'm too short.

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: 00:16:19

Too short for what?

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: 00:16:21

Too short for life, I want

to, I wanna play basketball.

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: 00:16:24

It's always been too short, and

you part, there's this one pro

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guy named, what's it called?

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: 00:16:28

Spud.

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: 00:16:29

could actually

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: 00:16:30

Russell Newton: Web.

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: 00:16:31

Cary Prejean: Yeah.

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: 00:16:31

I think the guy could actually dunk.

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: 00:16:33

I said,

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Russell Newton: Mm-hmm.

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: 00:16:34

Cary Prejean: Maybe you let that

limited conversation, I'm too short

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: 00:16:36

stop you from playing basketball

more and actually learn some skills.

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: 00:16:40

They have people who are, short

for the NBA who've made it.

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: 00:16:44

So at the same time, don't beat

yourself up that, oh, I live by now.

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: 00:16:48

Just be okay with I'm short, I

am five five, or whatever it was.

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: 00:16:53

And I'm equipped for living.

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: 00:16:55

Practicing what's so about yourself

as well as what's possible.

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: 00:17:00

practicing that acceptance and what's

possible is what's gonna generate

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: 00:17:03

the ambition, the excitement, the

wanting to get up in the morning,

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: 00:17:06

the wanting to take more action.

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: 00:17:08

I.

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: 00:17:08

But the, if you want the peace and the

joy and the gratitude, practicing that,

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: 00:17:13

it's acceptance of what's so about you.

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: 00:17:15

Like what, how's that thing go?

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: 00:17:18

gratitude is not one of the things

you have, it's having the, no, it's

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: 00:17:24

not wanting to have different things.

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: 00:17:26

I forget how it goes, but instead of

just warning what you don't have, be

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: 00:17:30

grateful what you do have, basically,

'cause it can all get taken away.

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: 00:17:35

All of it.

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: 00:17:36

So yeah, practicing acceptance,

practicing that will allow you to practice

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: 00:17:40

gratitude, peace, joy, and ambition.

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: 00:17:43

The other thing is

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: 00:17:46

and I say this all the time, what we

get paid for, what we get rewarded

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: 00:17:50

for in life is the results we produce.

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: 00:17:53

What most people live by

is the reasons why not.

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: 00:17:57

So which one are you gonna,

which one are you gonna work on?

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: 00:17:59

Producing results that

you say you're gonna do?

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: 00:18:01

You're gonna have all the

reasons why you couldn't do it.

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: 00:18:04

'cause nobody wants to pay for reasons

why not, or set a different way.

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: 00:18:08

Are you committed to your commitments?

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: 00:18:10

Are you committed to your reasons?

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: 00:18:13

Russell Newton: Alright, great.

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: 00:18:16

Alright listeners, thanks

for joining us today.

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: 00:18:17

We appreciate it.

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: 00:18:18

Thanks to our guest, Cary Prejean.

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: 00:18:21

Thanks for being with us.

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: 00:18:22

Listeners, be sure to check

out those resources online

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: 00:18:25

and we'll see you next week.