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Daily Habits - The Key to Self-Discipline
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00:00:00 Hello, listeners
00:06:39 Personal motivation
00:13:03 The SD = (PeM+PoB) − (dc + ds) formula
00:16:06 If-then statements
00:18:20 Peter Gollwitzer
00:23:10 According to Oxford Dictionaries
• Self-discipline and habits are innately intertwined. In fact, habits are the natural goal for self-discipline; self-disciplined acts require conscious effort until the point it becomes a natural habit.
• Make it a habit to think about a self-discipline formula, either the one in this book, or one of your own making. It’s another way of visualizing exactly what forces are at play regarding your self-discipline. My favorite version: Self-discipline = (personal motivation + positive benefits) − (discomfort + distractions). Here, if the right side of the equation turns out positive, then you have the pre-requisites for self-discipline. Thus, it becomes a matter of understanding the positive forces (motivation and benefits) and the negative forces (discomfort and distractions) and how they manifest in your life. You may even discover that you are neglecting a few factors, which is just setting yourself up for failure.
• Use the if-then technique to make your decisions before you have to decide to exercise self-discipline. Our worst decisions come when we rely on our strength of character. Thus, plan around them. If X, then Y can be your new best friend, and it is applicable in just about everything we encounter on a daily basis. It turns out we behave better when linked to other things.
• What kind of discipline style should you use, abstinence or moderation? Abstinence provides that there are no exceptions allowed, and it actually gives you a sense of freedom because you won’t have to negotiate with yourself on when to start, stop, and feel satisfied. Moderation is when you accept a certain amount of deviation, as long as you can meet your goals and milestones you set out beforehand. There is also freedom here because you can indulge and not feel like you are missing out on anything.
• Peer pressure can be positive. The sad truth is that we are products of our physical and social environments. With regards to the latter, the people around us can sometimes make or break us. Thus, we can construct our social circles to help us become more self-discipline. You can use accountability partners, role models, mentors, and teachers. You can also dip into the dark side and use the negative emotions of public shame and embarrassment to keep you accountable. After all, we work harder to avoid a punch in the face than to eat our favorite food.
• Impulses are the antithesis of self-discipline. They are unpredictable urges that can take over at any point. Studies have shown that impulses are stronger during emotional reactions. Thus, battling impulses is about putting as much time as possible between an emotional reaction and the actual response you give. Delaying tactics, in other words. You can use the ten second/minute rule, label your feelings, write down the facts of a situation without regard to your personal perspective, and ask “why” five times to understand the root of the impulse.
#selfdiscipline #habits #peterhollins #thepowerofselfdiscipline #selfimprovement #personaldevelopment #motivation #productivity #goals #success #dailyroutines #accountability #impulsecontrol #peerpressure #decisionmaking
Transcript
Hello, listeners. It is April 19, 2024, and you are tuned into The Science of Self, where
Speaker:you improve your life from the inside out. Today's episode dives deep into the world
Speaker:of daily habits and how they unlock the power of self-discipline. This knowledge comes straight
Speaker:from the pages of Peter Holland's book, The Power of Self-Discipline. Are you ready to learn how
Speaker:small, consistent choices can transform your life? Buckle up, because we're about to explore
Speaker:the science behind building habits that stick.
Speaker:Every once in a while, a writer will come across something called writer's block.
Speaker:This is a mental state in which the words just can't be squeezed out onto the paper,
Speaker:and no matter how hard they try, they can't think of what they want to write. It's like
Speaker:trying to extract water from a stone. People with this condition can go months without writing,
Speaker:to the extent that writing becomes something they don't even do. But in most of these cases,
Speaker:writer's block can be overcome quite simply by aiming to write 750 words of nonsense every day.
Speaker:Not that this is a drastically different aim than a writer would traditionally have.
Speaker:Normally, words don't flow because they are too precious. Some writers feel that every word,
Speaker:comma, and phrase makes a huge impact. Thus, the pressure to be great builds the longer
Speaker:they are withheld, and at this point, it starts to sound like we're back in that cycle of laziness,
Speaker:doesn't it? A writer may hold the belief that each word written needs to be literary gold,
Speaker:and then the avoidance begins. But if you set the expectation that most of what you write will be
Speaker:junk, suddenly, you'll be free to start typing, because it simply doesn't matter.
Speaker:Junk will always be junk, so there's no need to be precious or careful about it.
Speaker:All it takes is an excuse to start typing, and suddenly, you far exceed the 750-word goal you set.
Speaker:When we talk about habits, we're talking about default behaviors that help you reach your
Speaker:intentions. Here, the 750-word goal conditions your brain into a writing mentality, so that you're not
Speaker:just sitting around waiting for inspiration to come. You're making it a daily practice so that
Speaker:writing becomes easier. The best reinforcers you can provide yourself to maintain discipline and
Speaker:self-control are good habits. Unfortunately, we can start to go wayward when we aren't tied to any
Speaker:sort of guiding principle. A habit helps because it anchors you and removes off-the-cuff decision
Speaker:making from the equation. The less responsibility you put on your sense of doing the right thing,
Speaker:the better off you will be. This chapter looks at some of the principles and strategies in
Speaker:developing helpful self-discipline habits. Make a formula. Something that damages self-discipline
Speaker:is when you look at it purely as, I need to get off my butt. Obviously, that goes without saying,
Speaker:but it's not something that is helpful if you don't actually get off your butt immediately.
Speaker:If you stay planted, what then? You'd better have some more weapons in your arsenal against
Speaker:laziness. Similar to the cycle of laziness we discussed in an earlier chapter, we should seek
Speaker:to better understand what goes into our lack of self-discipline. Instead of a cycle, this time we
Speaker:turn to a formula to comprehend the different forces at play. A formula can sometimes be more
Speaker:helpful because it can tell you exactly what elements are involved and what you need to change.
Speaker:A recipe can tell you just how many eggs and how much flour to put in a cake. A formula here can do
Speaker:the same thing for your self-discipline. Sometimes you might realize that you're setting yourself up
Speaker:for failure by neglecting the eggs entirely or trying to bake the cake in a rice cooker.
Speaker:You may not need to change much, just redirect your efforts to what's important.
Speaker:Formula making happens in much the same way a scientist or mathematician goes about their
Speaker:work with a series of set procedures and methods to test their theories and solve problems.
Speaker:And just like scientists, you can manipulate and play with the quantities of each variable
Speaker:to achieve the effect that you want. The only difference between scientific formula
Speaker:and the one I'm talking about is that you're not using hard data, numbers, or mathematical
Speaker:standards to build the elements of your formula. Instead, you're substituting your values,
Speaker:qualities, and external factors for numbers and functions. The concept is to replace the
Speaker:individual variables of something like E equals MC square with more abstract, technically incalculable
Speaker:parts of your experience, things like motivation and beliefs and relationships between the two.
Speaker:You then incorporate this formula and base your decisions and actions around it,
Speaker:making adjustments or tweaks to the formula as you go until it's as right for you as possible.
Speaker:The following is a helpful and fairly straightforward formula
Speaker:to explain my approach and beliefs about self-discipline.
Speaker:Sd equals pem plus pob minus dc plus ds. Spelled out a bit more, self-discipline
Speaker:equals personal motivation plus positive benefits minus discomfort plus distractions.
Speaker:This formula represents my concept of self-discipline,
Speaker:sd, and the individual elements that comprise it. The measure of self-discipline is the
Speaker:difference between positive forces and negative forces. As long as the sum on the right side
Speaker:turns out positive, then you will have self-discipline. If not, then it's time to pay attention to
Speaker:each of the variables to find out why it's not positive. The positives are represented as
Speaker:pem plus pob and the negatives are dc plus ds. Personal motivation, pem. This is why you care
Speaker:about something and why it's important to you and what purpose will it serve? How satisfied and
Speaker:fulfilled will it make you? What does eating healthier represent to you? This is an internal
Speaker:quantity. Positive benefits or impact of action, pob. What good will come from a certain action
Speaker:or operation? What gains will it result in, as tangibly as you can describe? Ideally,
Speaker:there is both a short and long term component to this. What physical changes can you expect
Speaker:from eating healthier? This is a more external quantity, though it can also be internal.
Speaker:Mental or physical discomfort, dc. What kinds of physical or mental fatigue, pain,
Speaker:fear, trouble, or excuse making are causing you to resist action? What will you lose by acting
Speaker:and what negatives will you necessarily have to experience? How much physical discomfort of hunger
Speaker:and mental discomfort of restriction will you have to suffer? How well will you be able to
Speaker:deal with them? At the end of all of this, how will your mental and physical states of being
Speaker:fair, realistically and without forecasting doom? Distractions, ds. What unconscious or unintended
Speaker:diversions or hindrances might cause your attention to stray from the work you need to do?
Speaker:How many birthdays or parties will you have to endure in your quest to eat healthy?
Speaker:What concrete factors threaten to come between your intentions and actions?
Speaker:Self-discipline ends up being the value of motives and positive results,
Speaker:minus the trouble and distractions that could thwart one from action.
Speaker:Putting this formula into action, the goal is to manipulate the positive forces so they'll
Speaker:outweigh the negatives, making for positive or better self-discipline. Along the way,
Speaker:you might realize that you've been neglecting one or two factors,
Speaker:heavily skewing the formula out of your favor. Sd equals p-e-m plus p-o-b minus dc plus ds.
Speaker:Let's put that formula in action to provide inspiration for a habit of self-discipline
Speaker:that one might want to develop, quitting smoking. Personal motivation, p-e-m.
Speaker:These are internal reasons that make one think quitting smoking is a good idea.
Speaker:Why are they making that decision? They may have noticed they're short of breath or coughing a
Speaker:lot. Maybe one of their parents died from lung cancer as a result of lifelong smoking.
Speaker:They may want to be more physically active and want to make it as easy on themselves as they can,
Speaker:or perhaps they're feeling like pariahs for being a smoker.
Speaker:Peer pressure in this case would be a positive motivator.
Speaker:Numeric value, 8 out of 10.
Speaker:Positive Benefits, p-o-b. The attainment of all those goals in personal motivation would be
Speaker:a big benefit. It can take as little as a year for a long time smoker's lungs to get back to
Speaker:normal. They'd also save a lot of money, not have a bunch of clothes that smell like smoke,
Speaker:be less self-conscious around non-smoking friends, feel less guilty, and feel a sense of pride after
Speaker:beating the addiction. Numeric value, 5 out of 10. You would think that there are fairly compelling
Speaker:arguments for quitting, but what about the negative portion of the formula? Mental or physical
Speaker:discomfort, d-c. Someone quitting smoking might feel the pangs of physical withdrawal and be
Speaker:subject to cravings for a while. This is probably an understatement. They'll feel intense longing
Speaker:and perhaps even pain. They'll probably fixate on smoking more than is healthy and feel incomplete
Speaker:without a cigarette. They may also feel that they have lost their method of stress relief.
Speaker:Don't underestimate these. Numeric value, 9 out of 10.
Speaker:Potential distractions, d-s. These would be anything that temporarily takes one's mind
Speaker:off the task of quitting smoking, making them forget it about it enough to justify or allow
Speaker:themselves to falter. This could be a social situation where there's a lot of smokers or
Speaker:a stressful situation that might spur them to soothe themselves with a cigarette.
Speaker:Anything that draws them away from being able to refuse to smoke. Numeric value, 4 out of 10.
Speaker:The goal in this particular equation then is to maximize the positives and minimize the negatives.
Speaker:Try as much as possible to place a numeric value on each factor
Speaker:and manipulate the balance so that the positives overpower the negatives.
Speaker:The harder the data one uses, the easier it will be to rank each factor,
Speaker:though it's not always possible to quantify feelings and emotions.
Speaker:For example, in our quitting smoking example, the smoker could figure out how much money they'd
Speaker:be saving. Maybe they've worked out that they spend between $250 and $300 a month on tobacco,
Speaker:or they could calculate the health benefits. The amount of time they might spend getting
Speaker:more physical exercise or by how much their blood pressure, breathing rate,
Speaker:or daily walking steps might improve. And they should be fearless and honest about the negatives.
Speaker:How much weight might they gain? How strongly will the triggers be felt on a scale of 1 to 10?
Speaker:If they can assign a numeric value to all the aspects of their experience,
Speaker:they'll have a way to track their progress and manage their expectations. And again,
Speaker:the goal is to make the positive results more valuable or higher than the negatives.
Speaker:If they aren't, then they need to manipulate the equation to make sure they are by finding
Speaker:more motivators or benefits, or by decreasing the negative values in some way.
Speaker:The sd equals pem plus pob minus dc plus ds formula can cover most instances
Speaker:in which you want to institute change. But a formula that's more tailored to your specific
Speaker:circumstances will work even better. You might have different elements that are more relevant to
Speaker:you than motivation, benefits, discomfort, or distractions, or you might want to be more
Speaker:specific about certain factors. Here's an example, time. Scheduling is a huge priority for many of
Speaker:us. You may want to factor in the unexpected amount of time you'll need to devote to working on
Speaker:your situation. How much can you truly allot to your goal? Expense. For some efforts, you might
Speaker:have to spend a little cash. In the smoking example, you might have to fork over some money
Speaker:for nicotine gum for a little while. But you'd also save some money from not buying cigarettes.
Speaker:You can also include opportunity costs here as an expense on time.
Speaker:Emotional improvement. Although feelings are hard to quantify a lot of the time,
Speaker:if you're keenly in touch with your emotional status, you might be able to ascribe values to
Speaker:your good and bad feelings. Is the anxiety that quitting smoking produces more value
Speaker:than the increased energy or relief you might feel? Perhaps you only want to focus on one specific
Speaker:benefit and nothing else matters at the moment. The possibilities for what criteria you use for
Speaker:your own formula are endless. You have a lot of room to be creative about the factors that
Speaker:influence you the most. Figure out how strongly each of them relates to your own personality and
Speaker:beliefs, and assign them a numeric value to see what you need to eliminate, increase,
Speaker:or otherwise manipulate. With all your options, you may come up with a complicated formula with
Speaker:dozens of variables. That might be good for analysis, but not in practice. The fewer moving
Speaker:parts there are to your formula, the more manageable it is. After all, both the cycle of laziness
Speaker:and this formula show that it's not so complex. The if-then technique.
Speaker:A helpful habit that directly deals with the fork in the road that may or may not lead to
Speaker:self-discipline is the if-then technique. This is sometimes known as an implementation intention,
Speaker:in other words, making your intention easy to implement. The if portion corresponds to an
Speaker:everyday event occurring, while the then portion corresponds to the self-discipline to action
Speaker:you desire. The simple fact is that there's a big gap between knowing what you want to do
Speaker:and actually getting it done. Whatever the case, distractions, inefficiencies, or procrastination,
Speaker:making the decision beforehand will make it easier. If then statements take the following form.
Speaker:If x happens, then I will do y. That's it. This is something you decide in advance,
Speaker:and there are two primary ways to use it. This makes it easier to build self-discipline because all
Speaker:you have to do is plug your desired action in as a natural consequence of something that is certain
Speaker:to happen. When actions are chained and given forethought, they tend to happen. When actions
Speaker:are left to individual negotiations on willpower, they tend to not happen. As a quick example,
Speaker:if it's 3 p.m. on Sunday, then you will call your mother. For some of us, this might require
Speaker:massive self-discipline, or if it's 3 p.m. then you'll drink 2 liters of water, or if it's 9 p.m.
Speaker:then you'll flush your teeth. These are examples of when you use if-then to accomplish a specific
Speaker:goal, the first type of use. x can be whatever event, time, or occurrence you choose that happens
Speaker:on a daily basis, and y is the specific action that you will take. The if-then statement simply
Speaker:takes your goals out of the ether and ties them to concrete moments in your day. A habit to eat
Speaker:healthier and drink more water has a set prescription, for instance, or a vow to have better dental
Speaker:health is carried out every day because it is contingent upon a daily occurrence. Instead of
Speaker:generalities, you get a time and place for when to act. Imagine that you're looking at an empty
Speaker:planner and trying to decide when to make a doctor's appointment. Now, imagine that you're trying to
Speaker:decide when to make the appointment, but you have only one slot open in your entire week.
Speaker:Sometimes, alleged freedom makes your task more difficult. It seems simplistic, and it is, but
Speaker:it has been shown that you are two to three times more likely to succeed if you use an if-then plan
Speaker:than if you don't. In one study, 91% of people who used an if-then plan stuck to an exercise program
Speaker:versus 39% of non-planers. Peter Goldwitzer, the NYU psychologist who first articulated the power
Speaker:of if-then planning, recently reviewed results from 94 studies that used the technique and found
Speaker:significantly higher success rates for just about every goal you can think of, from using public
Speaker:transportation more frequently to avoiding stereotypical and prejudicial thoughts.
Speaker:The primary reason if-then statements work so well is because they speak the language of your
Speaker:brain, which is the language of contingencies. Humans are good at encoding information in
Speaker:if-X than Y terms and using this process, often unconsciously, to guide their behavior. It's
Speaker:the basis of decision-making, which is often subconscious and instantaneous. Deciding exactly
Speaker:when and where you will act on your goal creates a link in your brain between the situation or Q,
Speaker:the if, and the behavior that should follow, the then. Suppose your significant other has been
Speaker:giving you a hard time about forgetting to text to inform them that you'll be working late and
Speaker:not make dinner. So you make an if-then plan. If it is 6 p.m. and I'm at work, then I will text
Speaker:my significant other. Now the situation 6 p.m. at work is wired in your brain directly to the action
Speaker:text my sugar bear. Then the situation or Q, 6 p.m. at work, becomes highly activated.
Speaker:Below your awareness, your brain starts scanning the environment, searching for the situation in
Speaker:the if part of your plan. Once the if part of your plan happens, the then part follows automatically.
Speaker:You don't have to consciously monitor your goal, which means your plans get carried out,
Speaker:even when you're preoccupied. The best part is that by detecting situations and directing
Speaker:behavior without conscious effort, if then plans are far less taxing and require less willpower
Speaker:than mere resolutions. They enable us to conserve our self-discipline for when it's really needed
Speaker:and compensate for it when we don't have enough. The second use of the if-then statement is also
Speaker:related to achieving a specific goal. In particular, how to avoid failing at that goal.
Speaker:You would still use if X then Y, but X would be an unexpected situation that you want to maintain
Speaker:control in and deal with. In the first use, X is simply any everyday situation, occurrence or event.
Speaker:Here, X is something that may not happen, but you want to be prepared for. For instance, if you
Speaker:want to create a habit of drinking water, if you eat out at a restaurant, then you'll get water with
Speaker:lemon only. That's a situation that isn't certain to occur, but it helps you adhere to your habit
Speaker:from the opposite end. Complete these statements before you're in a dire situation and you can
Speaker:see how they work for you. It's like creating a rule for yourself to abide by. If you've given it
Speaker:thought beforehand, you can default to that guideline and not have to try to make a risky
Speaker:decision in the heat of the moment. Anticipate what's going to happen and you're a step ahead of the game.
Speaker:As another example, suppose it's your birthday, but you're on a strict diet and your office has
Speaker:a thing for surprise parties, so you'll probably be getting a cake. If they brought cake, then
Speaker:I'll turn it down and immediately drink a big glass of water. Alternatively, you could be having
Speaker:a problem with procrastination and you're settling in for a big project you have to finish. You could
Speaker:say, if the phone rings, then I'll ignore it until I'm done. You can get more detailed with these
Speaker:statements and can prepare them for situations with more significance or danger than the above
Speaker:examples, but whatever the case, the if-then technique forces you to project yourself into
Speaker:common scenarios that could trigger reversion to a lack of willpower and makes you plan for those
Speaker:triggers. It takes away your residuals of false justification and excuses for doing the wrong
Speaker:thing or doing nothing and sharpens your commitment to meeting your goals.
Speaker:Know your discipline style. Something that's important to know before you engage in all
Speaker:this planning and scheming to achieve your goals is your style of discipline, and of course,
Speaker:once you know, that's when you make it a habit. There are two primary approaches people take
Speaker:to self-discipline, moderation and abstinence. Each has its merits and negatives and no approach
Speaker:works for everyone. Let's start with the definitions of these words according to Oxford
Speaker:Dictionaries. Moderation is the avoidance of excess or extremes. You'll have only one scoop of
Speaker:ice cream. You know when you're too drunk to keep driving. You can limit yourself to one hour of
Speaker:television a day. Miriam Webster defines abstinence as the habit of not doing or having something
Speaker:that is wanted or desirable. No ice cream allowed, no games, no television, no alcohol, no fun.
Speaker:Let's start with moderation. Moderation, if you can handle it, is a strategy to have your cake and
Speaker:eat it too. Eating dessert in moderation is a way to enjoy sweets without going overboard.
Speaker:You wouldn't want to eat multiple desserts every single day, as there may be health,
Speaker:weight and blood sugar consequences, but a dessert every now and then is acceptable.
Speaker:This is moderation in action. You've heard the maxim, everything in moderation, which generally
Speaker:supports the freedom to indulge without overindulging. So what is the application of moderation in
Speaker:the self-discipline realm? If you're trying to accomplish a task, you can take breaks along the
Speaker:way. You can indulge in your distractions, take a walk and even procrastinate a little bit.
Speaker:In moderation, you get a mental break, you refresh yourself and then you start again.
Speaker:Re-energized. There's a timeline and as long as you're basically adhering to it then all as well.
Speaker:Of course, it might be said that you need a decent degree of innate self-discipline to engage in
Speaker:this strategy. If so, you can save yourself from the pain of abstinence that others might encourage,
Speaker:it would probably drive you insane and not work for you.
Speaker:Moderation can give you freedom. The freedom of choice and flexibility to adapt to your
Speaker:circumstances and desires. It's the happy medium between the extremes. You don't have to go all
Speaker:or nothing when you're able to find that sweet spot in between. Of course, this comes with a
Speaker:rather large caveat. If you identify with this description of moderated self-discipline, it's
Speaker:because you feel that you can regulate yourself well enough that indulging won't completely throw
Speaker:you off. Just imagine a chronic alcoholic or addict of any kind. A moderated approach
Speaker:probably isn't ideal for them. That's where abstinence comes in. For those with a weaker sense
Speaker:of self-discipline and inability to regain focus in a timely manner, unfamiliarity with flexing
Speaker:their self-discipline muscle or simply seeking a simpler approach, abstinence is the way to go.
Speaker:You might be able to stop the action itself, but it may occupy your brain afterwards for a
Speaker:detrimental amount of time. Thus, it's easier to set a blanket rule for yourself instead of having
Speaker:to rein yourself in instance by instance and negotiate with your desires and impulses.
Speaker:When you have to keep telling yourself no, a lapse in judgment is far more likely to occur
Speaker:than when you already know the answer is no. Sometimes complete lacking provides less suffering
Speaker:than having to stop before you're fully satisfied. An addict needs to stay away because they lack the
Speaker:ability to control themselves in that environment or context, so it's easier to position themselves
Speaker:for success by keeping their temptations at arm's length. Another example is so-called
Speaker:screen time. At times, it seems as if today's society has us in front of a screen all hours of
Speaker:the day. We have smartphones, tablets, television, laptops, and e-readers, and one of them is never
Speaker:more than an arm length away. While many people can moderate their screen time, not everyone has
Speaker:that ability. If you were a gamer, you may need to give up gaming completely in order to be able
Speaker:to function. Otherwise, the gamer can often be heard saying just another round or just another five
Speaker:minutes. Similarly, some people leave or give up social media for good because they know it's
Speaker:impossible to just hop on there for 30 seconds and push it completely out of their minds.
Speaker:Abstinence for some is the simplest, surest, and easiest approach. You don't have this struggle
Speaker:of trying to stop rather just not starting. Abstinence can also offer you freedom,
Speaker:freedom from tough choices, and freedom from punishing yourself for trying to moderate or
Speaker:control your behavior and potentially failing. What's the answer to improving self-discipline?
Speaker:Moderation or abstinence? Should you try to pick one over the other? Which one is better?
Speaker:Is it always an either or proposition? Is it just as easy as saying, if you can handle it,
Speaker:moderation, if not abstinence? There are no easy answers to these questions. To some degree,
Speaker:you need to know yourself. Do you have a tendency for extremes? Do you go all or nothing when
Speaker:approaching a task or goal, or are you able to cut yourself off at a given milestone or time point?
Speaker:How easily can you redirect your energies toward a task?
Speaker:Instead of answering these questions off the cuff, answer them by thinking about
Speaker:examples of your past behavior. Only actions matter here, not intentions.
Speaker:Maybe we can think of this as a process. The first step would be abstinence. While we work on our
Speaker:willpower, you can completely avoid your triggers and distractions. As we mature and develop our
Speaker:discipline, then we can consider moderation. This is otherwise known as going cold turkey.
Speaker:You might find that you can completely control yourself after this learning period,
Speaker:and no further reinforcement is needed. On the other hand, the opposite process,
Speaker:moderation to abstinence, is also valid as a process of weaning yourself off of something.
Speaker:Here, the end goal would be complete abstinence. Whatever the case, understand that you probably
Speaker:lean naturally towards one over the other, so don't try to be someone that you're not.
Speaker:Utilize peer pressure. As a teenager, you were probably warned of the pitfalls of peer pressure,
Speaker:and yet you still probably out of the words, but everyone else is doing it, more than once,
Speaker:because it was nearly impossible to resist at the time. The fact of the matter is that we decide
Speaker:far less on our own than we think. We are victims of our social and physical environments.
Speaker:Peer pressure is the direct influence upon someone by his or her social circle.
Speaker:In the teenage context, it's almost always talked about in the negative sense. Even as adults,
Speaker:we may still experience peer pressure in some of the more negative ways we did as teens.
Speaker:It's often in the sense of keeping up with the Joneses.
Speaker:But is there a positive side to peer pressure? Like most things, it all depends on whether you
Speaker:can control it or you become controlled by it. Peer pressure in self-discipline allows you to
Speaker:partially place your burden on others, which is amazing because it means self-discipline
Speaker:doesn't have to be something you carry internally and individually anymore.
Speaker:We've previously discussed that the environment makes a difference in your discipline,
Speaker:and one aspect of environment includes the people around you. At the basic level,
Speaker:this means you have to be proactive and conscious about whom you surround yourself with.
Speaker:You don't have to start from zero, but at least recognize that there are certainly
Speaker:people who will push you up as well as drag you down. It is within your control to surround
Speaker:yourself with the most disciplined and motivated people, which will inevitably rub off on you.
Speaker:You may not be able to choose your family or coworkers,
Speaker:but the people you spend your free time with are up for grabs. Aside from the general level
Speaker:of support you find in your social atmosphere, there are a variety of ways to take advantage
Speaker:of positive peer pressure. We can utilize mentors or role models. We can create accountability groups
Speaker:or partners. An accountability partner is someone who helps keep you on track toward your goals.
Speaker:You check in or report to them, and you update them on your progress or lapses.
Speaker:You're more likely to work toward your goals and stay on course if you have someone to whom
Speaker:you're accountable. It can be a mutual relationship, working toward similar goals,
Speaker:or they can simply act as your daily or weekly alarm clock.
Speaker:When looking for an accountability partner, you want someone who won't buy your excuses or
Speaker:rationalizations. They should be instructed to take a black or white view on you. You either
Speaker:did something or not, and you either abstained from something or not. The more room you leave for
Speaker:flexibility, the more you might as well not use an accountability partner. This should be a person
Speaker:whom you trust and someone who isn't afraid to tell it like it is. You want someone who won't judge
Speaker:you, but you also want someone who won't sugarcoat the tough stuff. This is the person whom you call
Speaker:every day before you start your gym workout to check in. You're no longer letting yourself down,
Speaker:you're letting someone else down, so the stakes are higher as well.
Speaker:You also want someone who is goal-oriented and is able to act as a good influence on you.
Speaker:Their successes can be things that help and motivate you to your own wins.
Speaker:Perhaps you even start to compete with them. Your accountability partner should both help
Speaker:you through your obstacles and celebrate your successes with you. Frequent contact is preferable
Speaker:because you leave less room for cycles of lapses and then trying to compensate for them.
Speaker:Frequent contact encourages better consistency. It's also a good idea to articulate a set
Speaker:duration of the relationship. Having a deadline creates a small sense of urgency,
Speaker:or at least the importance of progress. Having no deadline can simply make matters too relaxed
Speaker:and slow-paced for any real progress to occur. This important person seems elusive,
Speaker:but potential accountability partners are all around you. Remember, they just need to be willing
Speaker:to be honest with you. Think about friends and acquaintances that might fit the bill for what
Speaker:you need. Ask your partner, family, or circle of friends if they have suggestions for you.
Speaker:Some workplaces or professional programs have mentor programs where you can be paired with a
Speaker:colleague. You don't actually have to know them personally. If this idea seems too bizarre or
Speaker:invasive, another approach is to find a role model, someone you respect and has had success in the
Speaker:area you're working on. This would be a person you would like to emulate. You don't have to
Speaker:interact with them. You can approach situations in your life and ask, what would this person do
Speaker:in a situation of this nature? Again, you don't have to actually know this person. The most important
Speaker:part is that they possess traits that you admire. You can imagine this person when you start to
Speaker:stumble with your self-discipline. Detach yourself from the immediacy of the situation and put yourself
Speaker:in your role model's shoes. Instead of struggling with negotiating with yourself, take your struggles
Speaker:and use your role model's convictions to fight them. Your own internal dialogue is admittedly
Speaker:a little lazy and overly flexible. So what about someone with magnificent self-discipline?
Speaker:What would they do and how would it differ from your own choice? You instantly know what to do now.
Speaker:You have a new course of action to take that comes from a role model you like and trust.
Speaker:Above all, having a role model should serve as a reminder that you don't get what you want through
Speaker:inaction. What if you can't find an accountability partner and there's no role model springing to
Speaker:mind? Well, you can still use that adult peer pressure to your favor simply by mentioning your
Speaker:goal or tasks to someone. It may be someone in your circle of family or friends or you could post
Speaker:your plans on social media. Make it public, loud and proud. Are you going to live up to your proclamations?
Speaker:What will people think? How can you face people after having essentially lied to them?
Speaker:By making your intentions known publicly, you create a sense of accountability.
Speaker:Of course, here you're being motivated into self-discipline by negative feelings of shame
Speaker:and embarrassment, but remember that it's all about whether you control emotions or let them
Speaker:control you. While you may have someone call you out on not working toward your goal, there is much
Speaker:more of an internal motivation. There's nothing wrong with being pushed by something negative.
Speaker:The reality is that negativity is far stronger motivator than anything positive.
Speaker:You would work much harder to avoid being lashed with a whip than you would to eat the fanciest
Speaker:meal in the world. If you want to lose weight and share it with the world, imagine how you might feel
Speaker:loafing around with your family and friends. Will they say something? Are they thinking about what
Speaker:you said and judging you for eating a family-sized bag of chips? Or even worse yet, did they not
Speaker:take your public proclamation seriously because you're that unreliable? Negative as it may be,
Speaker:it has the real ability to spark action. By involving others, whether an accountability partner,
Speaker:friend or family member, coach, role model or mentor, or the world of social media,
Speaker:you are held to standards that you might not otherwise keep.
Speaker:Whether you want to explicitly label this as self-discipline is up to you,
Speaker:but if your goal is to get things done, you should use all the tools at your disposal.
Speaker:Control Your Impulses
Speaker:One massive step toward improving your self-discipline is to learn to control your impulses.
Speaker:They are polar opposites. One is stable and reliable like a metronome,
Speaker:while the other is unpredictable like a volcano. An impulse is the sudden need to do
Speaker:or not do something, an uncontrollable urge. Impulses are often acted upon without
Speaker:forethought or planning and can come out of nowhere to derail your entire day. This is
Speaker:where self-discipline dies because you're at the mercy of a spur-of-the-moment whim.
Speaker:You can't engage in both at the same time. Control over impulses is a key to consistent
Speaker:discipline. For instance, imagine that you're playing piano during a big performance,
Speaker:but you get the sudden impulse to scratch an itch on your face. The itch is not urgent,
Speaker:nor is it important, but it's something nagging in the back of your mind that will
Speaker:cause you discomfort unless you address it. Now, will you break your performance to scratch the itch,
Speaker:or will you ignore the temporary distraction? You would probably recognize that your impulse
Speaker:should take a backseat to maintaining self-discipline in this instance. Only rarely, like the above
Speaker:example, is it clear that we should suppress these random impulses, but just like the piano
Speaker:performance, we don't realize how much indulging in an impulse will throw us off.
Speaker:These things add up, and so does the time required for you to refocus yourself and
Speaker:get back on the horse of self-discipline. How can we defeat this type of enemy?
Speaker:First, we must understand it. Impulses have been the subject of psychological research for many
Speaker:years. Recently, researchers from the European Molecular Biology Laboratory have found strong
Speaker:connections between two parts of the brain related to impulse control, the prefrontal cortex,
Speaker:the part of the brain responsible for complex cognition, personality, decision-making,
Speaker:and social behavior, and the brainstem, the portion of the brain that regulates basic
Speaker:autonomic functions, such as heart rate and breathing. This means that we possess a significant
Speaker:number of connections that allow us to self-regulate and control. It takes a conscious thought in our
Speaker:prefrontal cortex, and it travels to our brainstem for calm and relaxation. When we have a strong link
Speaker:between the two, we can better exercise self-discipline. However, in one study, scientists found that a
Speaker:condition known as social defeat, a negative emotional state, in mice weakened the connection
Speaker:between the prefrontal cortex and the part of the brainstem involved in defensive responses.
Speaker:With a weaker connection, they became more impulsive, wilder, and difficult to calm down.
Speaker:When the researchers used a drug to block the connection between the prefrontal cortex and
Speaker:the brainstem completely, the mice demonstrated even more impulsive behavior. How does this
Speaker:translate to humans? This research sheds light on what is happening in your brain when you're
Speaker:trying to control an impulse. If we're in an emotional state, the connection between the
Speaker:prefrontal cortex and the brainstem is weakened. We become more impulsive and less self-aware.
Speaker:We can't very well take drugs to strengthen our neural connections and maintain self-discipline
Speaker:better, but we can try to ensure that our prefrontal cortex is engaged as much as possible.
Speaker:That roughly translates to making decisions based on analysis and rationality versus emotion.
Speaker:Self-discipline won't win in the face of urgency, anxiety, and fear, so you have to
Speaker:let them pass and then keep on keeping on. When we're thinking with our brainstem,
Speaker:which isn't something we can control, our self-discipline goes out the window.
Speaker:There are techniques we can implement to help support our desire to better control our impulses.
Speaker:Generally, they involve some sort of delay between feeling the impulse and the reaction you give to
Speaker:it. In other words, the more distance between feeling the itch and scratching the itch, the better.
Speaker:You'll usually find that the impulse simply disappears on its own, which further proves
Speaker:its status as something that is simply masquerading as important when it's really not.
Speaker:The Power of Ten If you can delay action on your impulses,
Speaker:often you can overcome them. There is something to be said for taking a breath,
Speaker:counting slowly to ten, and giving yourself a moment. Tell yourself to persevere for just
Speaker:ten more seconds when you want to stop, and tell yourself to try something out for just ten seconds
Speaker:when you're delaying starting. That's the Power of Ten. The mere act of holding yourself back
Speaker:requires self-discipline, and you practice feeling a reaction without acting on it.
Speaker:The Power of Ten takes the urgency out of your urge to act immediately. Remember,
Speaker:that's where your brainstem loses its grip over your actions and your prefrontal cortex steps in.
Speaker:For some impulses, counting to ten won't suffice. For example, if you see something you want to buy
Speaker:but don't really need, instead of just taking it to the register to be rung up, you can take ten
Speaker:minutes, the second Power of Ten. This is the same type of diversionary tactic that neuroscientists
Speaker:have found extremely effective to battle impulse spending and shopping. Just ten minutes drastically
Speaker:reduces the brain's thirsty response for a reward. Rather than rush to purchase the item,
Speaker:you could leave the store for ten minutes, and you'll be less likely to follow through with the
Speaker:purchase. Usually, an itch will disappear within seconds. A strong emotional spike will mostly
Speaker:dissipate within ten seconds. You might stop seeing red in that time span. Your initial reaction
Speaker:just might have given way to rational thought. After all, anyone can withstand anything for
Speaker:ten seconds, right? Keep this mantra in mind and bypass the danger zone where your brainstem is in
Speaker:control of your actions. Label your feelings. A person who doesn't understand his or her emotions
Speaker:is more likely to act on impulse. If you can't identify when you're feeling angry or stressed
Speaker:or embarrassed, you may act in a way that just makes it worse. In essence, if you don't realize
Speaker:what you're feeling, you'll be unable to stop it. For example, suppose you have an argument with
Speaker:someone and you impulsively stomp off and slam the door on your way out. Those behaviors scream
Speaker:anger, but they likely happen so quickly, so impulsively, that you didn't consciously think
Speaker:you just reacted. If you took a moment to realize why you want to storm out the door and how angry
Speaker:you are, you would have a better chance of tempering your response. Instead of leaving
Speaker:in a huff, say, I think I'm feeling angry right now. I should deal with the anger first and then
Speaker:respond after it passes. This takes the acute impulse out of the situation and increases the
Speaker:chance that things will go better once the situation has deescalated. It also gives you an
Speaker:exact symptom to deal with, anger, resentment, bitterness, frustration. And from that, you
Speaker:can find a roadmap to deal with it. That wouldn't be possible without a label.
Speaker:It's acceptable to feel angry, embarrassed, frustrated and ashamed, but what isn't acceptable
Speaker:is to substitute these initial reactions as your response and act impulsively.
Speaker:When you take a pause to identify what you're feeling, often you'll realize that things aren't
Speaker:quite as urgent as you thought. Write down the facts. Writing down the facts of a situation
Speaker:helps you to clarify what is real, what is not, and what your ideal outcome is. This is related to
Speaker:the power of 10 in that you are pausing to sort through the facts before you act impulsively
Speaker:with the brainstem. And of course, you write much more slowly than you think, so this slows down
Speaker:your entire reactive process. That bodes well for the prefrontal cortex and self-discipline.
Speaker:Thus, when you want to quit something, when you want to delay starting something, or when
Speaker:you suddenly feel an urge to do something unproductive or distracting, write down the facts.
Speaker:Write out what the situation is, what you want to do, and what you should probably do instead.
Speaker:Write down your ideal outcome and how that differs from the path you would take if you gave into
Speaker:your impulse. Highlight only what is factual and leave out the rest. Don't write down your feelings,
Speaker:emotions, fears, or anxieties. Keep it black and white. When you have a clear picture of
Speaker:just the facts, ma'am, you're able to look at the situation objectively and know what you should do.
Speaker:This not only allows you to respond in a more tempered fashion, but it helps you sort out
Speaker:what actually happened versus what you thought or felt happened. For example, suppose you had a
Speaker:blow-up with your boss at work, and your impulse is to quit your job and look for a new one.
Speaker:Writing down the facts will help you clarify the situation and sort the emotions from the facts.
Speaker:Maybe the facts are your boss blamed you for a situation. You didn't get to tell
Speaker:your side of the story. You've worked at your current job for eight years. You're the primary
Speaker:breadwinner of your family. In addition to salary, you have good benefits, and you haven't talked to
Speaker:human resources to help resolve the situation. You want to punch his face and quit. That doesn't
Speaker:get you to your ideal outcome. Your ideal outcome involves being heard, being more assertive,
Speaker:and keeping your job. Suddenly, after taking the time to examine the facts,
Speaker:it's clear what you need to do to maintain self-discipline. An impulse only exists because
Speaker:it is quick and fleeting. Under greater scrutiny, they almost all crumble.
Speaker:Ask why five times. A final strategy for helping to control your impulses is asking why.
Speaker:This tactic is all about getting to the root of your impulse and hopefully uncovering new
Speaker:information about yourself. You're actually asking the same or similar question five times in row,
Speaker:and you'll be surprised to learn that each time, you just might pull out a different
Speaker:answer than before. You're forcing yourself to justify why an impulse should win out over
Speaker:self-discipline. At the end of the process, you'll either be able to answer why sufficiently,
Speaker:or you'll come to the conclusion that it was simply an impulse not worth partaking in.
Speaker:Impulses are never thought through or founded on deep analysis,
Speaker:so you wouldn't expect to be able to answer why more than once or twice. Thus, only if you can
Speaker:answer why a few times does it pass the sniff test of importance or urgency. Practically speaking,
Speaker:what does this look like? Suppose you have an impulse to break your spending discipline and
Speaker:buy a new sweater. Why do you want it? I like it. Why do you want it? It's a great price.
Speaker:This is as far as an impulse will probably carry you. Why do you want it? No real reason other
Speaker:than wanting it. Why do you want it? Looks cool? Why do you want it? I guess I don't really.
Speaker:Once you've asked yourself the why five times, in five different ways, you've distilled the main
Speaker:pros and cons for why you should or shouldn't buy the shirt. And really, you've come up with
Speaker:nothing to justify the impulse. If this was really a shirt that you needed in some way,
Speaker:you'd be able to come up with better answers such as, because my other shirt ripped, or I have a
Speaker:wedding coming up, or I want to look nice for a date. In those instances, you're not dealing
Speaker:with an impulse masquerading as a need. It's an actual need. Even if it doesn't bring you to
Speaker:the point where you realize you can't answer why five times, which is a red flag, at least it will
Speaker:force you to stop and think about your decisions. Whatever the case, you've become more mindful
Speaker:and more likely to be disciplined in your daily life. Looking at each of these strategies, the
Speaker:common themes involve reflection, self-awareness, and pausing before responding.
Speaker:Takeaways
Speaker:Self-discipline and habits are innately intertwined. In fact, habits are the natural
Speaker:goal for self-discipline. Self-discipline acts require a conscious effort until the point it
Speaker:becomes a natural habit. Make it a habit to think about a self-discipline formula, either the one
Speaker:in this book or one of your own making. It's another way to visualize exactly what forces are at
Speaker:play regarding your self-discipline. My favorite version, self-discipline equals personal motivation
Speaker:plus positive benefits minus discomfort plus distractions. Here, if the right side of the
Speaker:equation turns out positive, then you have the prerequisites for self-discipline. Thus, it becomes
Speaker:a matter of understanding the positive forces, motivation and benefits, and the negative forces,
Speaker:discomfort and distractions and how they manifest in your life. You may even discover that you're
Speaker:neglecting a few factors, which is just setting yourself up for failure.
Speaker:Use the if-then technique to make your decisions before you have to decide to exercise self-discipline.
Speaker:Our worst decisions come when we rely on our strength of character, thus, plan around them.
Speaker:If x, then y can be your new best friend, and it is applicable in just about everything we
Speaker:encounter on a daily basis, it turns out we behave better when linked to other things.
Speaker:What kind of discipline style should you use, abstinence or moderation?
Speaker:Abstinence provides that there are no exceptions allowed and it actually gives you a sense of
Speaker:freedom because you won't have to negotiate with yourself on when to start, stop and feel satisfied.
Speaker:Moderation is when you accept a certain amount of deviation, as long as you can meet your goals
Speaker:and milestones you set out beforehand. There is also freedom here because you can indulge and
Speaker:not feel like you're missing out on anything. Peer pressure can be positive. The sad truth is
Speaker:that we're products of our physical and social environments. With regards to the latter, the
Speaker:people around us can sometimes make or break us. Thus, we can construct our social circles to help
Speaker:us become more self-disciplined. You can use accountability partners, role models, mentors
Speaker:and teachers. You can also dip into the dark side and use the negative emotions of public shame
Speaker:and embarrassment to keep you accountable. After all, we work harder to avoid a punch in the face
Speaker:than to eat our favorite food. Impulses are the antithesis of self-discipline.
Speaker:They are unpredictable urges that can take over at any point. Studies have shown that impulses
Speaker:are stronger during emotional reactions. Thus, battling impulses is about putting as much time
Speaker:as possible between an emotional reaction and the actual response you give. Delaying tactics,
Speaker:in other words, you can use the 10 second or minute rule, label your feelings, write down the
Speaker:facts of a situation without regard to your personal perspective and ask why five times
Speaker:to understand the root of the impulse.
Speaker:All right listeners, that's all we have for today on the science of self. We covered a lot of ground,
Speaker:the self-discipline formula, the power of if-then statements, choosing an abstinence or moderation
Speaker:approach, harnessing peer pressure for good, and finally, taming those pesky impulses.
Speaker:Remember, self-discipline is a journey, not a destination, so be kind to yourself, celebrate
Speaker:your wins, and keep moving forward. If you'd like to learn more about Peter Hollins and his work,
Speaker:head over to his website at bit.ly.com. Thanks for joining us. We'll see you on the next episode
Speaker:of the science of self.
