Break the Cycle

Speaker: 00:00:05

th of January,: 2024

Speaker: 00:01:39

We know we hate washing the car, and we know we find excuses to be out of the house until someone else washes it (or until the next rainy day comes). This is still not the whole story, but it is helpful to know what is motivating you one way or the other. The next level of awareness in our self-discipline failures might be the recognition that there are specific behaviors you engage in whenever you avoid it. For instance, you notice that when you want to avoid washing your car you start cleaning your room instead. Psychological discomfort is created because you know you are avoiding your responsibilities, so you engage in a distraction to alleviate that discomfort. Eventually, this would allow you to see a pattern that if you are cleaning your room, perhaps the car, or something even more important, is being avoided at the moment. It may not be immediately clear, but there is a cycle that, if you lack self-discipline, you will constantly find yourself in. You might be able to “push through it” from time to time, but that’s not something you should have to rely on for your whole life. The sustainable path to self-discipline involves identifying and breaking the cycle of lacking self-discipline. The Cycle of Laziness In some ways, the existence of a cycle is a relief because this means self-discipline isn’t so much about putting mind over matter and grinding past the pain (although sometimes that part cannot be avoided). Neither is the key to self-discipline about endless affirmations and other such statements—it’s actually about understanding the cycle of laziness and disrupting it before you get sucked into it.

Speaker: 00:03:25

It’s the equivalent of understanding how to use a certain physics equation to solve a problem, versus trying to solve the problem differently each time, and sometimes just trying out twenty different possibilities. When you know what you’re looking for, you’re just going to be far more effective. In practical terms, this means that doing what you need to do will be much less of a struggle in the end. The level of analysis in the earlier example about not possessing the self-discipline to wash a car is deeper than most people ever get, as they only think in terms of two mental modes: feeling apathetic or feeling adequately energized. This is too simplistic to explain what self-discipline really consists of. And so long as you don’t really acknowledge what’s happening on deeper levels, you’ll continue to say things like, “I didn’t get around to it,” and write off lapses as temporary, unavoidable slip-ups and nothing more. There are five main phases of the cycle that explain why you tend to keep sitting on your butt, even though you know you shouldn’t be. But perhaps more importantly, it further explains how you justify sitting on your butt, and even how you’ll probably sit on your butt even more decisively the next time. We can follow along with the same example of car washing. •Unhelpful assumptions or made-up rules: “Life is short, so I should enjoy it and not spend my precious time washing that dusty car! Car washes are something you pay for anyway!"

Speaker: 00:04:46

•Increasing discomfort: “I’d rather not wash the car. It’s boring and uncomfortable. I know my spouse asked me to, but it can wait." •Excuses for lack of self-discipline to decrease psychological discomfort: “It’s perfectly reasonable for me not to wash the car. It’s so hot outside I would melt. My spouse didn’t really mean it when they asked." •Avoidance activities to decrease psychological discomfort: “I will clean the bathroom instead. I’m still productive! I’ll also arrange my desk. Lots of things getting done today. I did pretty well today, all things considered."

Speaker: 00:05:32

•Negative and positive consequences: “Ah, I feel better about myself now. Cleanliness all around. Oh, wait. I still need to wash that car, and my spouse seems angrier this time ... ” Which brings us full circle right back to the start: the car isn’t washed, and your assumptions remain the same. Only this time, there’s even more discomfort that you want to avoid immediately. And so it goes on. Your discomfort chases you round and round, and you pretend to avoid it, only to find it pop up somewhere else. Once you’re in the cycle, it’s hard to get over the increasing inertia keeping you from getting the task done. The looming chore of washing the car hangs over you, seeming to get bigger and more awful the longer it goes on not being completed ... Let’s take a look at each of the phases individually, and then you’ll start to understand why it’s so essential to interrupt this cycle. We’ll start right from the top; this is where you are either failing to start a task, or to complete a task already underway.

Speaker: 00:06:20

You know logically that you should do these things, and they are in your best interests. However, you’ve already made the decision against self-discipline, so what goes through your mind? Or rather, what has happened already, without your conscious awareness? Unhelpful Assumptions or Made-Up Rules If you feel like you don’t want to start or follow through with something, it’s not due to simple laziness or “I don’t feel like it right now." It’s about the (usually unquestioned and unchallenged) beliefs and assumptions that underlie these feelings. What are some of these unhelpful assumptions or made-up rules? My life should be about seeking pleasure, having fun, and enjoying myself. Anything that conflicts with that shouldn’t be allowed. We all fall into this at one time or another. Pleasure-seeking is where you feel that life is too short to pass up something fun, interesting, or pleasant in favor of things that may seem boring or hard. Fun is the priority!

Speaker: 00:07:15

At the very least, you believe that the current short-term pleasure is more important than a long-term payoff. This is the true meaning of “I don’t feel like it right now”—you are actually saying, “I want to do something more pleasurable than that right now." I need X, Y, or Z to exercise my self-discipline, and if they are not present, I am excused. Sometimes you just can’t muster up the energy to do something. You may feel tired, stressed, depressed, or unmotivated and use that as your “reason” for not getting things done. You have to be “ready." You need X, Y, and Z to start properly. You have to be in the mood. Oops! The stars aren’t magically aligned, so you can’t do as you said you would, and it’s not even really your fault. All these so-called requirements were conjured by you, though; none of them actually reflect reality.

Speaker: 00:08:04

Nobody is putting any hurdles between you and the task. And sometimes you do need to push through until fatigue and exhaustion hit—self-discipline isn’t about the easy path. You will be uncomfortable, so don’t assume that you shouldn’t be (this goes back to the first assumption, i.e. that life is always meant to feel good, so if you’re uncomfortable, something is going wrong and you need to stop what you’re doing at once). I probably won’t do it right, so I just won’t do it at all. You may fall into the assumption that you must do things perfectly every time or else it will be labeled a failure. This is a fear of failure and rejection, and it also involves a lack of self-confidence. You also don’t want others to think less of you. You might call this “being a perfectionist,” but it’s really a lack of courage and resilience. It’s actually you believing deep down that you cannot or won’t endure any difficulties—either the thing goes perfectly or you will simply not attempt it (sounds kind of bratty when put that way, doesn’t it?). And how do you ensure that you don’t get rejected or fail at a task? You don’t do it.

Speaker: 00:08:43

Easy. You don’t start it, and you don’t finish it. There won’t be failure or disappointment because you don’t allow the opportunity for judgment. I alone dictate what I do. This is where you assume that you need to be the one to call the shots and to be in control. You feel a strong attachment to being in charge. You feel you shouldn’t have to do something just because someone tells you to. This is best summed up by the statement: “I don’t have to listen to them." This is a defensive reaction to what you view as someone stepping on you, and it often leads to you acting against your own interests. It doesn’t matter if you yourself have set that goal or expectation—the instant you do, you reflexively push back as though in a bid for your perceived freedom. If you feel that you need to do something that goes against your beliefs, you will only do it when absolutely necessary.

Speaker: 00:09:30

This is a reality of human behavior, as is the fact that these beliefs are usually unconscious. So, what happens if you are told to do household chores but you possess the first two beliefs of “fun comes first” and “I need perfect conditions”? You’ll have fun first, wait for a large set of preconditions, and the chores will go undone. The rest of the cycle is what keeps them undone. Increasing Discomfort How do you know whether you possess any of the above assumptions or core beliefs? When you know you are supposed to exercise self-discipline, yet it conflicts with a belief or assumption of yours, tension and discomfort will be created. This happens because there is a direct conflict between what you desire (no car washing!) and what the world (or an individual, or even yourself) is telling you (just wash it for once). Imagine being told that the sky is actually red, which probably conflicts with what you’ve been taught since childhood. You feel that something is amiss, but you might not be able to put a name to it. You will have a range of emotions, all of which are uncomfortable: anger, boredom, frustration, exhaustion, resentment, anxiety, embarrassment, fear, or despair.

Speaker: 00:10:38

Let’s call them all a variation of psychological discomfort. They point to a mismatch between the external world and your inner beliefs about it. The end result of this conflict is that we are in an agitated state, and we don’t like feeling that way. So, something will need to change. If the source of this discomfort is anything having to do with washing that darned car, that means you’re going to avoid it like the black plague. We know it still exists, but we are in the beginnings of rationalizing why we shouldn’t or don’t need to do it. Think of it this way: your brain doesn’t want you to stay in a state of psychological discomfort—it’s like standing on the bow of a sinking ship—so it deals with it the only way it knows how through the next two phases. Making Excuses Excuses are what you use to make yourself feel better when you are ducking responsibility. You know you should do something, but you don’t want to. Does this mean you’re just lazy, tired, or entitled to no action? Of course not.

Speaker: 00:11:43

Admitting those would cause even more discomfort and tension than you already feel. So you construct excuses to remain the good guy or even victim in your situation—or at least not the bad guy. Now that’s a comforting thought. What would you say to make your lack of action acceptable? “I don’t want to miss out on that party tonight. I’ll do it tomorrow." “I’m just too tired tonight. I’ll start working on that goal later." “I’ll do a better job on that project when I’m in the mood to work on it." “I don’t have everything I need to finish the job, so I can’t start now." “I’ll do it right after I finish this other task."

Speaker: 00:12:26

Now, if you uttered these to someone else, they might reply with a raised eyebrow and a, “Really ... ?" The problem is, these excuses are ones that you tell yourself. And you’ve probably used them so frequently in your life that the lines between your excuses and reality have blurred. You become unable to discern or tell the truth, and you unknowingly start to disempower yourself. Remember, we possess the amount of self-discipline that we believe we possess. Excuses tell you that you are easily defeated. It’s almost note even relevant whether the excuses are believable or not—they are simply there to relieve discomfort and give you an “out." And while you’re busy convincing yourself that these excuses are real and legitimate, you are smoothly transitioning into the next phase in the cycle: avoidance activities. Avoidance Activities Avoidance activities are the culmination of alleviating your discomfort and wanting to feel like you aren’t simply being lazy. The internal dialogue goes something like this: “I’m sufficiently justified in not washing the car, but why do I still feel lousy about myself? I should do something ... ” Excuses on their own may not be enough, so you figure some action is still needed to lessen the discomfort and tension.

Speaker: 00:13:41

And so you act, though it’s never what you should be doing in the first place. Typically, there are two types of avoidance activities. First, there are activities that simply distract you from the discomfort of choosing not to exercise your self-discipline or violate a belief or assumption. Out of sight, out of mind, and the discomfort is destroyed by going for ice cream or to a new superhero movie. This is distraction to the point of denial. Second, there are activities that make you feel productive in some other way than the task at hand. For instance, if you work from home and are putting off a project, you will never have a cleaner bathroom than when real tasks are to be avoided. You might do an “easier” or lower-priority task. These avoidance activities allow you to say, “Well, at least I did something and wasn’t totally unproductive with my time!" A fitting term for these activities is productive procrastination. These activities do help you feel better about yourself in the short-term, but they don’t move you any closer to where you should be, and make the cycle harder to break.

Speaker: 00:14:56

That psychological discomfort is still there. Negative and Positive Consequences Avoiding is an art. But when you avoid responsibilities, there are always consequences. Somewhere, something is slipping through the cracks. The negative consequences are more obvious. You’ve probably experienced them all before. They can include increased discomfort, guilt, anxiety, and shame. You know you’re not achieving (or taking steps to achieve) your goal, and this just makes you feel worse. Another negative consequence is having increased demands on you. Your work may accumulate, leaving you to have to do the original task plus the additional compensatory work. And depending on the nature of the task, avoidance may lead to a consequence of punishment or loss.

Speaker: 00:15:48

That punishment/loss may be in the form of repercussions at work, a missed opportunity, or failing to meet a goal. The chores go undone, and your lawn gets so out of control that you start to find small, vicious woodland animals in it. Other negative consequences are related to this very cycle, where your unhelpful or incorrect assumptions or beliefs remain unchallenged, you become overly effective at making excuses for yourself, and your tolerance for psychological discomfort shrinks even more. These all perpetuate the cycle even worse. And you may be completely unaware that any of this is going on, still ignorant of why you can’t just do the thing already. Any positive consequences are illusory. They may be positive in that they feel good in the moment, but they are temporary at best. It’s like shutting your eyes to avoid the bright headlights of a truck barreling toward you—you are just setting yourself up for failure in the long term. It’s self-sabotage. Avoidance lets you move away from that initial discomfort you were feeling about not doing the task. You may actually feel better because you are sticking to your unhelpful assumptions.

Speaker: 00:16:57

And you will probably get some enjoyment from your procrastination activities. Both of these could be considered a positive consequence of putting off the task. Both sets of consequences contribute to furthering the cycle. Negative consequences make you want to continue avoiding certain tasks, while positive consequences inject just enough short-term pleasure to disguise what’s really happening. And they both lead you right back to the initial problem of lacking self-discipline. Whether you’re motivated by the negative consequence or the positive consequence, the outcome is the same: you are less likely to complete your task or goal. You can now see how this can become a vicious cycle. The more you subscribe to one or more of the unhelpful assumptions, the greater your discomfort. With increasing discomfort, you start to make excuses to avoid. The more you avoid, the more you want to avoid it due to both the negative and positive consequences. And you start back in with the unhelpful assumptions—probably strengthened for the worse at this point.

Speaker: 00:18:07

So what do these phases look like in a day-to-day life situation? Let’s walk through the familiar chain reaction of events that you have unwittingly followed for years. Let’s take the illustrative example of weight loss. You are likely operating under several unhelpful assumptions. You think you can’t lose weight unless you give up all pleasure and become a monk. What if you can’t lose the weight? What if you can’t keep it off? It’s just easier to keep doing what you’re doing rather than risking failure. Another assumption you may have is that you lack energy and time. You’re just too tired to go cook for yourself and exercise every day; it’s easier just to grab fast food. These unhelpful assumptions then lead to discomfort.

Speaker: 00:18:55

What feelings are causing you to feel uncomfortable? Maybe you feel bad about eating something you know you shouldn’t. Maybe you’re jealous that your sister can just eat what she wants. Maybe you’re irritated that fresh fruits and vegetables are so expensive. Maybe you feel embarrassed because you haven’t lost weight at all despite secretly starting to care about your goal. You can’t carry on in the status quo, so something needs to change. So, you start to soften the discomfort by making excuses. You don’t have the right workout clothes to go to the gym. You don’t want to miss out on the birthday party fun, so you’re going to have that piece of cake. You’re too tired after work to do all that meal prep. You’ll just wait for the beginning of the month so you can track everything more neatly.

Speaker: 00:19:45

Deep down inside, you may or may not realize these are excuses to keep you in inaction. But whatever the case, you will eventually feel that some sort of action is required. This is where avoidance activities come in. Remember, there are two types: ones that distract you from your growing discomfort and ones that make you feel like you’re doing something (though you really aren’t). Maybe you go out for dinner with coworkers after work instead of going to the gym. You might spend time finding recipes on Pinterest instead of actually cooking a healthy meal. Maybe you hop on the Internet to intensely and painstakingly research what kind of gym equipment you need instead of just going to the gym. These actions lead to consequences. One negative consequence could be feelings of guilt: guilt for not working out, guilt for not following a meal plan, guilt about the choices you’re making. Another negative consequence could be actually gaining weight instead of losing it. The only positive consequences are related to not delaying gratification and being able to pretend that you are doing everything correctly.

Speaker: 00:20:58

Another positive could be that your “cheat meal” improved your mood. Negative consequences lead to more avoidance and lack of desire to face reality. Positive consequences lead to more self-sabotage. And now you’re back to the beginning with even less incentive or optimism about losing weight. Let’s look at another example. What if you’ve always wanted to open an ice cream shop? Your friends and family know you love ice cream, and you’re always talking about this dream of yours, but you’ve never taken the plunge to start your own business. Maybe there’s a cycle of lack of self-discipline contributing to your hesitancy to open that shop. Jumping into the cycle, what are the unhelpful assumptions you’re telling yourself? A prime assumption would be fear of the unknown or catastrophe. If you quit your job and go full speed ahead with your ice cream business, what if it fails?

Speaker: 00:22:00

What will it be like to be a business owner? What if you lose a ton of money? You may also suffer from a lack of self-confidence. What if you can’t do this? You tell yourself you don’t have the business acumen, you’ve never done this before, and you have no idea what you’re doing. Another unhelpful assumption you may be making is that you need to be in charge. Now, it might seem that, with your own business, you would be in charge. But there are things out of your control. Your business loan is dependent on the banker. You won’t have ice cream to sell if your supplier can’t get your product to you. You can’t guarantee that you’ll have customers.

Speaker: 00:22:41

These are all things out of your control. Thinking about these assumptions probably has you feeling pretty uncomfortable. You likely have some anxiety about such a big change. There may be some fear mixed in at the thought of quitting your job to go out on your own. You may be feeling overwhelmed by all the things that go into starting your own business. When you’re feeling this uncomfortable, it’s easy to come up with excuses for not moving forward. You can’t open an ice cream shop because you just don’t have the know-how. Maybe your excuse is that you don’t know for sure if your shop will be a success. Or perhaps you feel like you don’t have time to open a business. So as a result of these excuses, you move into avoidance activities. Instead of going to the bank to find out about business loans, you watch the football game on TV instead.

Speaker: 00:23:35

You get distracted. Or you get together with friends to talk about your idea instead of taking action on steps to move toward your dream. You feel productive in some non-movement way. As for consequences of these avoidance tactics? One negative consequence may be that you miss out on an opportunity for a perfect location for your ice cream shop because you hadn’t moved forward with your plan. One positive consequence could be that you enjoy spending time with your friends and you like talking about your idea, leading you to do this more frequently instead of starting up your business. Again, negative consequences create pessimism, while positive consequences create self-sabotage. And here we are again at the start of the cycle. You lack the self-discipline to start your new business because you are operating under unhelpful assumptions, which cause you to make excuses that lead to avoidance that, in turn, results in consequences that hamper your self-discipline. It’s time to talk about breaking the cycle. Fortunately, a cycle doesn’t need to be broken in any particular location or sequence.

Speaker: 00:24:52

Once any phase is disrupted, it makes the rest impossible to continue. And hard copy, ebook, and all those other formats, of course, on Amazon as well. See you next Thursday.